I Deserved More Than Your Half-Assed Effort, Even If I Was Never Your ‘Girlfriend’

I deserved more than your half-assed text messages late at night in the hours you felt most lonely. I deserved more than waking up to voicemails listening to your grand proclamations of love at 3 am when I could practically smell the liquor on your breath through the phone. I deserved to be more than the girl you only thought about after 2 am.

I deserved more than your games. I deserved more than the kind of guy who pretended to be something that he wasn’t in efforts to win me over. I deserved more than the kind of guy who thought getting to know me required some kind of strategy. Don’t act too interested, wait at least a week before you reach out to me again, never ever let me know the way you’re truly feeling, because that’s the kind of strategy that will really allow us to open up to one another. I deserve to be more than a game you think you can strategize your way in and out of.

I deserved more than your half-assed conversations when you only scratched the surface of who I really was. I deserved more than the kind of guy who thought he knew all there was to know about me within a month. My favorite color, sports team, and wine, don’t have much to do with my character. You never knew my passions, my dreams, or my obsessions. You never knew my fears, my insecurities, or my struggles. You never knew any of the things that make me who I am because you didn’t stay long enough to discover them. You didn’t stay long enough to give me a chance. I deserve to be more than a chance not given.

I deserved more than your casual indifference towards my feelings. I deserved more than the kind of guy who thought his leaving would in no way affect me, who thought his leaving wouldn’t send me into a spiral of questions and uncertainty, self-doubts and deprecation. You were wrong in thinking that I’d care just as little as you did. Because leaving for you was done with one simple explanation, but for me that explanation offered no answers, no solutions, or closure, no feeling of contentment or that everything would be okay. I deserve to be more than an easy exit.

I deserved more than your low expectations of the kind of girl you thought I was. I deserved more than the assumptions you made before you ever even knew me. There is more to me. I deserve to be more than a preconceived notion of who you think I am. I deserve to be given time to show you who that person is.

I deserved more than your half-assed effort. I deserved more than you were ever willing to give. I deserved more than the kind of guy you were back then, and I’m so very happy and thankful that you left me when you did. I deserve to be with someone better, and maybe you’ve become a better person since then, a large part of me truly hopes you have, but I don’t care to know the person who refused to give me the love that I deserved, even if you have changed. And I don’t think I should feel bad about that.