Every Year On My Birthday That I’ve Missed You

I missed you when I turned 15 before I even understood what I was feeling for you. When I was so young and dumb that I would have done anything for you.

I missed you when I turned 16 when you weren’t around because I started dating someone else, and so did you. I missed you when my phone didn’t light up with your name and a stupid happy birthday text.

I missed you when I turned 17 and we were together again. I missed you because I knew this wouldn’t last forever but I knew I wanted it too.

I missed you when I turned 18 and you were still there. I knew what we had wasn’t real and it wasn’t going to last forever but oh man, did I want it to. You completely consumed me and I got lost in you, you became my world since the day I met you and all these years later you still made me crazy.

I missed you when I turned 19 and you weren’t there because I went away to college. I missed you when I didn’t get to see you, to hear from you, to touch you, to kiss you. But I knew there were only a few short weeks until I got to come home to you and pretend nothing else in the world mattered.

I missed you when I was 20 and you were no longer mine. I missed you when I was trying to find other people to fill the void you left in my heart during the summer you decided you wanted her now, instead of me. But everyone I thought I could convince myself to fall for didn’t even make me feel a quarter of what you made me feel.

I missed you when I turned 21 and was drunk out of my mind, wishing you were going to be there for some reason when I got home but you weren’t. I woke up in my clothes from the night before and a blackout to put back together. But there was no message from you. So instead I decided to fall for someone else and he was kind and he cared about me, but he wasn’t you. He wasn’t even close.

I missed you when I turned 22 and was preparing to move across the world. I wondered if you even thought of me anymore. I wondered if you were doing well.

I still miss you today when I’m turning 23, and I know you’ll always just be in my past. I think about how I saw you a couple of months ago with her and that ring on her finger. I think about how that could have been me. I think about how no one has ever made me feel as alive as you. I think about how much I loved you and on days like today when I still want to hear from you, and then I think I still do.