This Is What I’ll Do When I Miss You

I’ll find your texts to read the emptiness in your words, to remember how unexcited you were about me and about us. I’ll find them so I can read the broken promises over and over again and remember how you never really followed through and how you probably never intended to.

I’ll check your Instagram to see how many women you’re actually flirting with, how many admirers you have and all the pretty girls you know to remember that you never thought I was special, you never stopped playing your games after you met me. I want to remember how your eyes and your mind were never set on me. I want to see all the evidence that proves that you never really cared.

I’ll remember that you don’t miss me. I’ll realize that you haven’t tried to reach out or say a word. I’ll feel your absence and I’ll remember that I needed more. That you failed to give me what I wanted.

I don’t know why when people leave, we assume that it’s our fault, that there’s something wrong with us but sometimes it’s their fault, they couldn’t give us what we’re looking for either, they didn’t understand our needs and they didn’t really see us. They were shallow. They were superficial.

And you were shallow, you didn’t understand me.

You thought I’d be okay with poor communication and inconsistency. You thought I’d be okay with being just another one of your girls. You thought I’d be okay with waiting for you and pretending like I don’t want more. You thought I’ll continue being your friend until you decide.

But you should have known better. You should have known that I only talk to the ones I really like, the ones I want something more with, the ones I see potential in and the ones that make me feel something.

You should have known that when I tell you I like you, it means I like only you because that’s not something that happens very often. I don’t usually fall for a bunch of men at the same time. I don’t know how to make them all feel special and cared for. I don’t know how to give them just enough to string them along. I’m not you. I don’t give in easily, but when I do, I give my all. I don’t fall often, but when I do, I fall too hard.

And I thought you’d know that because of how well you were able to analyze me but I should have known better. I should have known that no matter what you see in me, you’ll never appreciate it. And that’s what I do when I start missing you. I remember that you missed out on me and it was your choice. I remember that you weren’t looking for love. I remember that you weren’t looking at me — so I stop missing you and I start looking for someone who wants something real. Someone who knows how to love.