An Apology, And Thank You Letter To My Body

To My Body,

I never thought that the day would come where I am able to appreciate you and thank you. But here we are. I have realized all that you do for me, and my heart is filled with gratitude. I have tortured you, and I am so, so incredibly sorry. From here on out, I will treat you with the respect you deserve. You and me are on the same team, and it’s time that I start to act like it.

I am sorry that I have starved you and deprived you of the nutrients you needed to grow and prosper. You don’t ask very much of me, and I ignored the warning signs you gave me to let me know that you were hurting. I am sorry that I neglected you of the simple things that you need to survive. I will feed you and water you and make sure you are healthy.

I am sorry that I cut and burned your pure skin. You are a temple: a temple of healing, of growth, of hope, and I violated that. I promise to rebuild you. I promise to let you heal and to protect you from wounds whenever I can.

I am sorry that I spent hours on the treadmill, breaking the joints that you so preciously built. Your muscles and bones deserve a chance to heal and regenerate, and I will allow them this. I will engage in activities that are healthy and will lead us to be stronger together.

I am sorry that I put us in unsafe situations and had you violated multiple times. You and I deserve to be respected, and I will do my best to keep us safe.

I am sorry that I pushed you harder when you gave me warning signs that you couldn’t handle the torture anymore. I ignored the dizziness, the broken hips, the fatigue, and so much more. I will listen to you from now on. I will pay attention to your needs, because you are only trying to help me.

I am sorry that I only see the negative in you and that I based your entire worth off of a number on the scale. I’m sorry that I called you names and tried so adamantly to change you. You are so much more than the pounds you weigh or how you look in the mirror, and from now on, I will treat you like it.

I am sorry that I have filled you with pills in hopes that everything inside of you would shut down so I wouldn’t have to deal with anything anymore. I am grateful that you woke up the next morning and decided that I was going to continue this fight.

I am so thankful for everything you have done for me.

Thank you for giving me eyes and ears and toes and legs, and every other part of me.

Thank you for my thighs. They may be bigger than I want, but they allow me to walk. They allow me to go to school and work and eventually become a nurse. They allow me to be strong.

Thank you for my brain. Sometimes the thoughts that go through my head are challenging, but this fight has made me stronger. Thank you for giving me a brain that is flexible, and has allowed me to learn my worth as a person.

Thank you for your ability to heal. Thank you for getting me through every cold, every scratch, every broken bone, and most importantly, thank you for healing from my trauma.

Thank you for surviving the attempts I made to kill you.

Thank you for my heart. Thank you for going through the fight with me. Thank you for being strong. Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for allowing me to live and to love.

We have been through a lot together, and I will no longer hate the vessel that keeps me fighting.