This Is Why I Cannot Love You Right Now

“When was the last time you fell in love?” You ask me this, and I don’t answer you. I don’t want you to see my dark and empty life, like the night sky without the stars and the silver moon. I know you are capable of being my happiness, but instead of answering your question, I leave you with a silent sigh.

Because one thing that I’m certain of is that people always leave, that people are temporary, that we should never let our happiness depend on someone…someone who is not concrete.

Don’t ask me about the last time I fell in love because the last time I fell in love with someone is right now. Right now, she’s talking to me. Right now she’s asking me a question that I don’t want to answer. Right now, she wants to know who the last one who broke my heart was. And I’m too scared to answer her.

As much as I want to love her and give her my whole heart… I can’t.

Because this world has taught me to become a thunderstorm; it has taught me that people love to break hearts rather than heal them.

And now I am a thunderstorm that is made of cumulonimbus clouds. I produce gusty winds and heavy rain. I want the world to know I can destroy a country in hours. I want them to know that I can flood them with my tears and let them be drowned by it. I want them to see that I’m not weak; I’m stronger than their thoughts. I’m brighter than sun and I deserve to be loved more than anything else.

But you came to my world; you completely changed my perception of life and love. My blood has turned to bright red again, my eyes sparkle like fireworks on the evening of January first. And the day that you asked me that question was the day I told myself to stop being rude. To forgive and forget. To let love in again.

But I’m scared.

Because I know what it feels like to be left, to be broken, to have pieces of you all thrown around and having to collect them.

I have grown cold. I have let the hatred eat me instead of using my experiences to mold myself as a new and better version of myself. I have let my fears and sorrow grow a monster inside of my lungs that cause me to breathe heavy every time I try.

I was a victim of unrequited love, one-sided love. I was ghosted by someone I thought who would be there for the rest of my life but I was wrong. And it hurt so much that I isolated myself. I let myself be destroyed.

So, I’m sorry I cannot answer you. I’m sorry I cannot love you right now, although I’m starting to learn, day by day.

I cannot love you right now because I want to make peace with my past first. I want to be sure this time around.

But thank you for loving me despite of the bad weather I’ve shown you.