Everything I Want To Say To The One Who Destroyed Me

What I thought was meant to be just turned into another broken heart. I wish that I had been strong enough to walk away at the first sign of problems but as a natural born fighter, I fight to keep everything in my life. I want people to know how important they are to me. I will not stop until people feel the love I have for them. Maybe that was my biggest undoing.

I hate the fact that right now I loathe you more than anyone in the world. While there were many cracks in my heart before I got to you, you managed to shatter the remaining pieces. A part of me wonders if somewhere deep down, you hated me. Maybe I was too much for you to handle and instead of walking away, you had to lead me down a path I’m not sure I’m ever going to come back from.

I gave you my heart and you had a choice to heal it or break it. You chose the latter. While I had done all of the hard work to ensure that those little pieces were neatly being placed back together, you managed to knock all that progress to the ground. I will never understand what happened because I don’t think you even do.

When you’re constantly looking for the next best thing, the thing in front of you is never going to be good enough. So when you told me you were leaving for someone newer and shinier, you made it sound like I should be happy for you. I should be happy that you found a better version of me. Someone who’s just a little more put together.

I could never be happy for you and that is completely unfair of you to ask of me. While I would never wish bad things, I don’t wish you well anymore. I don’t wish for you to be in pain the way you’ve caused me but I don’t wish for you to live happily ever after with someone else. Maybe that makes me spiteful or vengeful but I think it just makes me human. When you’re hurt by someone you love it’s hard to not feel the anger that boils in the pit of your stomach.

Eventually I will let this go and move on. I will be able to get out of bed and face the universe without that dreadful feeling like it’s out to get me.

I replay every word you said over and over in my head, trying to remember if I read into things. I try to think about the fact that maybe I had created some fantasy that wasn’t even remotely close to true but I didn’t. I didn’t make up the last few months in my head. I didn’t make up you in my mind. I didn’t create something out of nothing. You were there the whole time feeding into everything.

Maybe it was stupid of me to believe in the words you said. Maybe it was dumb of me to believe that you would be honest. Maybe it was my mistake for wanting to believe in you and everything I thought you had to offer. Or maybe it was just simply that I fell for you in the purest form and that wasn’t enough for you.

Whatever it was that changed everything, I hope that it was worth it. I really truly do because if it was then the pain that I feel now won’t be in vein. If you have found your forever person and I was the obstacle in the way of that then I really hope it does work out.

I can’t tell you that I don’t hate you because I still fully do. I still cringe when I think about you. I still want to punch you in the throat when I remember all of the words you said and how you let me down extremely hard.

What I can say is this, you may have hurt me but you didn’t kill me. So whenever you figure out that what you did was wrong, I won’t be waiting to hear your apology. I don’t need it. Save it for the next time you fuck up because you will.

All I hope is that you figure out your own shit before you destroy yourself or worse, another person.

More from Alexandria Brown in her book, The Single Girl’s Guide To Living And Laughing (And Sometimes Loving), available here.