Physical Touch

WOW give your partner some breathing space! I swear, you won’t drop dead if your skin is not in contact with someone else’s skin for like, a minute. It’s making your partner feel super claustrophobic – being around you is basically like having a blanket wrapped around you while you’re trying to get things done – it’s cozy for a minute and then just annoying as f*ck. Maybe practice retreating to that ‘personal bubble’ they taught you about in kindergarten every now and then.

Words Of Affirmation

You need an INHUMAN amount of validation. Seriously. It’s out of control. Your “subtle” compliment fishing is not subtle. Your partner knows what you’re doing and if they’re not verbally affirming you it’s because it honestly feels kind of gross to praise another human being as much as you need to be praised. Maybe stick some ‘love yourself’ post-it notes on your mirror like everybody else and give us all a break from obsessing over you?

Quality Time

NOT EVERYBODY WANTS TO HANG OUT SEVEN DAYS A WEEK. Do you realize that people have jobs? Please stop inviting all your friends to random events and then getting hurt when we cannot make trivia night on Tuesday, your wine-and-cheese party on Wednesday and your all-weekend friend-a-thon every Friday through to Sunday. Your partner is (a) tired of all of this socializing and (b) honestly, just wants some damn alone time. You don’t constantly have to be around one another to still care about each other. Remember how absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder?

Gifts

Yes, Leslie Knope, friendship day is a wonderful made-up holiday but we don’t all have $50 to spend on a waffle-maker for you to celebrate it. We GET that you love gifting things and it makes your partners feel appreciated – at least the first two to twelve times that it happens. After that we all just start feeling guilty and like we have to give you things in return. And we can’t all afford that? We don’t all have an endless budget for kick-knacks? So maybe calm down with the extravagance a bit?

Acts Of Service

It’s very nice that you cook your partner dinner and are keen to run errands. But please keep in mind that your partner is an adult not a baby? It’s a little unsexy when you start doting over your boyfriend or girlfriend like you are their parent. Your partner is (hopefully) not five years old. They can put their own pants on and drive themselves to work. Please stop undermining your partner’s independence by assuming that they cannot make themselves breakfast.