I Am Not ‘Chill’ When It Comes To You

When it comes to dating, I like to pride myself on being ‘the chill girl.’

The one who is okay with anything. The one who is willing to compromise. The one who could care less. The one who is cool and aloof.

I make sure that my replies do not entail a detailed reply, so that it’s okay if the other person stops replying. I calculate how long it takes for them to reply and make sure that mine fits the standard time.

I keep my options open and my heart closed.

I anticipate their disinterest before they express any interest. It doesn’t matter if we talk all day and night, I am okay if the conversation comes to an abrupt halt. It doesn’t matter how well we click, I am fine with ending without closure.

It doesn’t matter because I accept this is part of dating. It doesn’t matter because I understand you cannot force feelings. It doesn’t matter because I keep my expectations low and my walls high.

Until I met you.

Suddenly the rational and logical side of me has fled. I am inseparable from my phone and I want to talk to you every possible instance. I am seized with the impulse to see you every chance I get. I am obsessed with the need to know every single detail about you.

I cannot restrain my mind or withhold my affection. I am not okay being casual when all I want is to stake a claim on you. I am not chill. And I realize that is the last thing I want to be.

I want to tell you everything about how shattered he left me one summer night when I thought we had a connection. I want to tell you I am guarded, not because of anything you do, but because fate has not been kind to me. I want to tell you I am afraid of you because I have seen how quickly things go south and I never want that with you.

So I wear my heart on my sleeves and tell you blatantly how much I like you. I am unashamed at the intensity of my feelings and I tell you, uncensored, how I wish you can care for me more.

I no longer keep my options open because I realize all I want is you and no one else.

Maybe I will regret this in the future. Maybe we will never end up together anyway and all my efforts will be for nothing. Maybe you are just stringing me around for your own amusement and pleasure.

I will never know.

But I know if there is however a small chance you feel the same way, if there is a remote possibility of us together, if there is any likelihood of us, I am taking it. I am heading into whatever this is with my heart wide open. I am free falling all the way down uncertain and scared while hoping you will be there to catch me at the other side.

For what is life without love?
And what am I without you?