I Don’t Want To Forget You, I Want To Remember Why I Should Never Go Back To You

Some people want to forget their heartbreak. They want to forget the shitty things done to them. They want to move on. They want to put it behind them. They want to [insert their cliche here] and bury the hatchet.

I don’t want to forget. I want to remember.

I want to remember how he treated me. I want to remember how he flirted with me, fooled me into believing that he actually cared about me. I want to remember how he would text me all these cutsy messages and profess how important I was to him. I want to remember.

I want to remember how I would sit by the phone with baited breathe, waiting for his text message or snapchat. I want to remember how I would frown at my phone when I saw he read my snap but didn’t bother to respond (until around 2:00am, of course). I want to remember how he would eagerly talk about “how excited” he was to hang with me — when really there was only one part of me that excited him.

I want to remember how it felt when I would fall asleep next to him one night, and never hear from him the next day. I want to remember how my heart strained, strained, and eventually broke. I want to remember all the lies, all the promises of “being sorry” and wanting to “make up for it.” I want to remember how it felt to be used, how it felt to be abused.

I want to remember the cute dates and outings. There weren’t many to remember, really — just enough to make sure I never fell off the radar. Just enough to make sure that I would always answer his texts. Just enough to keep me on the shelf as some fucked up trophy.

I want to remember what it felt like to be desired, to have someone want to take off your shirt, your pants, and see you. I want to remember what it felt like to lay my head on his chest and slowly fall asleep. I want to remember what it felt like to be an object of lust, and not of love. I want to remember it, and never forget.

If I remember, it won’t happen again. If I remember, I will guard my heart more closely. If I remember, I won’t answer his texts or calls. If I remember, hopefully I will won’t have to relearn it all again.

If I remember, hopefully I will become stronger. Hopefully I will build up my self-confidence up to my firmer. Hopefully I will find somebody who treats me different.

I don’t want to forget. I want to remember.