I’m Torn Between Telling You How I Really Feel And Bottling It All Up For Good

Part of me wants nothing more than to write you a text message telling you everything I’ve been feeling and lay it all out on the table.

I want to tell you how I’ve been thinking about you since I last saw you. I want to tell you how of everyone I’ve met so far in this life that you’re the only one who I don’t think I could stand to be without. It’s been months since I’ve seen you last and I don’t think I want to go any longer.

The way you spoke to me was kind and honest, you spoke to me from the heart and your words still linger in my ears.

But I still don’t know how you feel about me, especially after all this time.

I’m scared to reach out and make a fool of myself. I’m scared that if I were to reach out that you wouldn’t be able to reciprocate or that you don’t feel the same.

I’m scared of your rejection.

I think I’d rather live in the unknown that’s filled with hope because the only thing stronger than fear is hope.

I still have hope that you might find it in your heart to love me, I still have hope that one day we might be together because you are still so important to me to this day, even though it’s been months since we’ve talked.

It’s been months, but you still linger on my mind. I still wouldn’t hesitate to drop everything and run to you if you’d have me.

But I’m scared to tell you how I feel because of the reality rejection could slap across my face.

I think I would rather not know, I think I would rather pretend everything is okay and just remember the last night we spent together and soak in the words you said to me.

I think I would just rather bottle up all my emotions and live in a fantasy world where you want me back.

It kills me though, because what if I reached out and found out you actually did want me too? What if all it took was a little communication and I could finally get you all to myself. What if all it took was one of us to break the silence and spill all the words we never wanted to say? Because if there is one thing I’m certain of it’s that I want you.

I want to hold hands and kiss you, but not just when we’re walking home from the bar. I want to have heart felt conversations about our lives and our dreams, but not just when we’re drunk. I want to wake up in your bed in the morning and not scurry out the door. I want to spend days together, but not just when we’re with our friends.

I want more than what we had.

I want you sober, I want you when we’re both sober. I want to tell you that my feelings go past the drunk nights we always shared together.

I want to tell you that you’ve been weighing on my mind since the last time I saw you. I want to tell you that I miss you and I hate being apart.

But I’m scared you won’t feel the same.

So I’ll continue to sit here, at war with myself, going back and forth between reaching out to you and keeping my feelings bottled up inside, just hoping that soon I will see you again. Maybe then you’ll want me too.