I Used To Enjoy Your Presence, Now I Enjoy Your Absence

I used to enjoy waking up next to you every morning, waking up to the sound of your voice and the warmth of your embrace. When I felt like everything will be alright because you were right by my side. Now I enjoy waking up alone, listening to my own voice, finding my own strength and enjoying my independence. Now I enjoy starting the day feeling like I’m good enough.

I used to enjoy making plans with you every weekend; trying new restaurants and hanging out at your favorite bars. Now I enjoy walking alone in the city, rediscovering my interests, trying all kinds of restaurants and remembering what it feels like to just walk aimlessly even if I get lost, I don’t have to always know where I’m going or hold a map. I now enjoy walking freely without having to follow anyone’s lead. It feels good.

I used to enjoy staying home with you, watching your favorite shows and your favorite movies. Now I enjoy flipping through the channels and having my own space. The space in my mind that you filled up with your negative thoughts and the space in my heart that you filled up with your empty love.

I now enjoy the absence of your judgments – the absence of the faults you used to find in anything we watch and the faults you used to find in me. 

I used to enjoy talking to my friends and family about you, telling them all of your great qualities and how happy you make me. Now I enjoy the silence that comes after I hear your name, the stillness that comes from knowing that you’re no longer in my life, and the peace that follows every conversation because I don’t have to lie anymore. I used to defend you and make excuses for you and I used to enjoy it.

I now enjoy the truth; the reality I knew all along but decided to ignore.

I used to miss you all the time when you were gone. Everything didn’t make sense without you. But then I stopped missing you when I started to miss myself, the way I used to be, the energy that I had, the things that I wanted to do, the dreams I wanted to chase and the path I wanted to follow. Now I’m learning how to enjoy my life; the life I molded to align with yours.

I used to enjoy your presence, it used to fill my void, it was the only thing I looked forward to, now I enjoy my presence, I enjoy getting to know the parts of me you hated and the parts of me you didn’t even want to know and I enjoy the freedom that comes with being unapologetically myself. There are some nights when I wonder about you but it always reminds me that even though I enjoyed your presence, your absence is what I truly needed.