5 Celebrities Who Have Sexually Rejected Me

Listen, we all have those celebrities we know we’ll never land, so instead we settle for hot and steamy *dream* romances. My first (remembered) sex dream was when I was in middle school, what with all those hormones settling in, and I hooked up with my longtime love, Spike from Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

My brain isn’t satisfied with this though. My brain, because I’m a lucky gal, likes to keep my self-esteem in check by having me get rejected IN MY OWN SEX DREAMS. Either my subconscious is just an asshole OR wants me to be prepared for real life “thanks, but no thanks” situations.

So without further ado, here are all the celebrities who I’ve attempted to bed during REM cycle and they said, “Nah, I’m good.”

1. Steph Curry

Is this one even my fault? I mean, my family has on all Warrior games and there he is, being a basketball God. Can I be blamed for dreaming of that toothy smile and goofy victory dance? NO. I CAN’T. But because he’s a class act, he turns me down. Because let’s be honest, he’s got an Ayesha, what the f*ck would he want with an Ari?! Am I riiiiight?!?!

2. Stephen Colbert

I’ve harbored serious love-lust feelings for Mr. Colbert for quite some time now. He’s married and has kids and is “happy” — okay, I GET IT. But what’s wrong with getting a lil’ Miss Jackson If You’re Nasty in my dreams? That’s not hurting anyone! Except me. Because when I approach him and make my sexual advances, he kindly says no and goes back to being America’s Sweetheart. I just wake up frustrated.

3. Matt McGorry

We flirted the entire night and when the bar announced last call, I suggested we move our conversation somewhere a little more private. He declined stating, “You are more than your body and I wouldn’t want to perpetuate our patriarchal system by sexually objectifying you.” I was giving you permission, but ok Matt, ok.

4. Drake

I dream of Drake pretty consistently at this point, but it’s always just a little weird. One time he hired me as a dog walker, but then when I got there he just wanted me to walk him (someone analyze this shit quick). Another dream he just yelled at me for fifteen minutes and I woke up crying. But my favorite, of course, is when I told him we’d have beautiful Jewish babies together and he replied, “That’s sweet, but you’re not really my type.” *puts on “Marvin’s Room” and softly sobs*

5. Harry Styles

Harry and I met while I was on a poetry tour in London. There was this instant, palpable feeling that we already knew each other. …Because our DNA did. So thank God we didn’t go through with anything because we discovered a secret both of our families have been hiding for over two decades. We are twins. We’re like a modern day Sister, Sister. So yeah, probably good that I didn’t hook up with my brother. Even if it was just a dream. That ick factor would have been too real.

(but dead ass — is Harry Styles my brother? Harry?!?)

Harry, it's time to come home. I miss you, twin brother. pic.twitter.com/zKQwDhmGEV

— Ari Eastman (@ivegottatheory) April 19, 2016