1.

“It’s just like sex before marriage, except each of you weighs 50 pounds more.”

—Marin, 27

2.

“Masturbation during marriage is fantastic. Best masturbation of my life, really. The sex, not so much.”

—Jeff, 26

3.

“You ever buy a pair of slippers that are maybe half a size too small? They hurt your feet at first, but once you wear them a hundred times, they stretch out and are the most comfortable shoes you’ve ever worn? That’s what married sex is like. It’s so familiar, it’s as comfortable as an old pair of slippers.”

—Ted, 30

4.

“When we ‘tied the knot,’ it’s like he tied his dick into a knot, too. He never uses it anymore—at least not on me. Thank God for Hitachi!”

—Amy, 29

5.

“Sex right now is better with my ex-wife than it is with my current one. Yeah, you heard me right. I’m a cheater and a cad and an asshole, and even though I got married only a little over a year ago, about once a month I’ll drive across town and fuck the ever-loving shit out of my ex-wife. It just feels lighter and easier and pressure-free, because we’re not both hauling around these heavy cement bags that are the drudgery of day-to-day problems. I imagine sex will be better with my current wife once we get divorced.”

—Josh, 32

6.

“Let’s just say that after we got married, we both discovered that I have a prostate gland. That’s all I’ll say on the record.”

—Ken, 27

7.

“It’s like the musical output of the Rolling Stones. At first they were putting out four albums a year. Now it’s been ten years since their last album. Got it? OK, just switch out ‘years’ for ‘weeks,’ and you have my sex life after getting married. It’s been ten weeks since I last had sex. Fuck you for asking.”

—Gordon, 29

8.

“OK, imagine you’re in a ‘race’ with no competition. Would there be any incentive for you to train as hard as possible and run as fast as you can? No, you’d just take your sweet-ass time jogging around the track because you know there’s no competition. When we were dating, we both tried harder to look good and to please the other because there was always the possibility that someone else was competing for the other’s affection. When there’s no competition, you get lazy. There’s a laziness in security, and laziness isn’t sexy.”

—David, 31

9.

“It’s like learning to play the violin. With each practice, you get better at it. Same goes for married sex.”

—Ron, 29

10.

“It’s like he’d rather eat nachos than my pussy. At least when we were dating, he’d eat both.”

—Etta, 29

11.

“Before we were married, we were like a team. After we got married, it was like we became competing teams. He looks just as great as he did before we got married. But that’s not what killed our sex life—it’s everything but the sex that kills it. It’s the bills and the cleaning and the familiarity and the idiot relatives and the claustrophobia that kill your drive to even want to touch them.”

—Jamie, 29

12.

“I’m jacking off to online porn in one room while she’s jacking off to online porn in the other.”

—Lorin, 27

13.

“When the chase is over and you’ve captured your prey, you’re fucked. No, actually, you’re not fucked. You don’t fuck at all.”

—Adam, 29

14.

“Once they start snoring and farting and forgetting to brush their teeth before they go to bed, not only does the frequency of sex go down, you want it to go down. Seeing skid marks on his underwear pretty much turned me celibate. How many times can you hear someone fart in their sleep without ever wanting to touch them anywhere on their body ever again?”

—Denise, 34

15.

“When we were boyfriend and girlfriend, I used to get thrilled on the way going over to her place—I felt tingles from my nose down to my toes. Now I dread coming home to see her.”

—Joe, 33

16.

“We jerk each other off and then fall asleep. Every night. Pretty soon I suspect we’ll fall asleep while jerking each other off.”

—Luis, 29

17.

“Imagine eating the same hamburger with the same bun the same pickles and the same ketchup every fucking night for years and years and years. Then you look around and realize there are Indian restaurants, sushi places, vegan co-ops, and a Greek diner—all on the same goddamned block where you’ve been eating your nightly hamburger. After a while, just about anything looks tastier than that hamburger. I’m pretty sure that eating the same hamburger every night for the rest of your life was one of Dante’s Seven Levels of Hell.”

—Tom, 26

18.

“This sounds weird, but now that I’m married, it feels like I’m having sex with a family member. Not a good feeling. No, not a good feeling at all.”

—Billy, 30

19.

“It’s sad. Being this close has made us not as close anymore. She hasn’t gotten any less sexy physically. It’s just that she annoys the shit out of me, and that makes me less attracted and less willing to have sex with her.”

—Brad, 28

20.

“You immediately start fantasizing about sex with others. That’s the only way to keep it interesting.”

—Johnny, 31

21.

“The thrill is gone, and it ain’t never coming back. The marriage certificate is like a death warrant for your sex life.”

—Corinne, 28