1. “I’m not being overdramatic when I say I would rather sit naked on a hot grill than wear something off the rack.”

2. “She has a flip phone, Jess. She’s either poor or a time traveller.”

3. “Now as my best friend I expect you to be willing to sacrifice everything for me at a moment’s notice including, of course, unfortunately for you, your dignity.”

4. “I don’t have sperms. I have tadpoles…of the gods.”

5. “Where do you even buy sheets like this? They have the thread count of a paper towel.”

6. “Man to man, you didn’t wanna wear something, I dunno, a little more form flattering? You know, like a pile of towels? The number 8?”

7. “Being brown, you have the wisdom of a thousand white women.”

8. “It’s like you’re ripping the side block out of my mental Jenga! I’m totally falling apart!”

9. “Well, you have found my flabbergast button, and guess what? You’ve pressed it.”

10. “If pot were a piano, Nick would be a 9-year-old Chinese girl.”

11. “It makes me angry and scared all at the same time. Just like when I hear the phrase, ‘Academy Award winner Anna Paquin.'”

12. “Walk with dignity, you giant toddler!”

13. “I haven’t had sex with her since I was fat, and accessing my penis was like getting a remote control out of the couch.”

14. “You’re listening to the radio and writing with a pen… What decade are we in?”

15. “I’m gonna go take a shower with Nick’s bar of soap like a common ranch hand.”

16. “It was like listening to a rescue crew trying to communicate with a stranded miner. Are you ok? Yeah. Are you ok? Yeah!”

17. “I can’t talk right now. I’m writing a strongly worded e-mail to my florist.”

18. “Without ash to rise from, the phoenix would just be a bird getting up.”

19. “You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost!”

20. “Back in high school, they used to call me ‘the sex haver’.”

21. “Hey, M. Night Shyamalan. I’ve got a twist ending for you: shut up!”

22. “Let’s just say that my cousin doesn’t have the most sophisticated palate. Raised by wolf-like parents in the wilds of Minnesota. He actually went to juvie for stealing the synagogue’s minivan.”

23. “Would you line up around the corner if they called the iPhone a slippery germ brick?”

24. “Is this a freakin’ carob chip? What, are you trying to buy our love with hippie chocolate?! Ya idiot.”

*tosses cookie*

25. “Do you just walk around all day thinking about other people’s feelings? How do you get anything done?”

26. “You are a gynecologist and a lesbian. This makes you a va-genius.”

27. “Damn it! I can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere.”

28. “Bathtubs are Medieval filth cauldrons… I’m not interested in simmering in testicle tea for 20 minutes.”

29. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go water my succulents.”