Ahhh, love! As the great Shakespeare once said, “Shall I compare you to a summer’s day? Hot as fuck!”
1. Practice kissing your hand and then make sure you ask your hand what you’re doing right and wrong.
2. Ask your hand if it’s turned on by your kiss. If your hand gives you a thumbs up, you’re good.
3. Get an old school boombox, blast music (any kind of loud music will do) and just go outside a ton of houses until one person comes outside and says, “Hey, I like that song!”
4. Rename yourself George. Absolutely no one can resist a George. It has been proven time and time again through science.
5. When you see them, avoid all eye contact and softly whisper, “You’re a disgusting freak.” If they ask what you said, look up at them and say, “Ask your Mom.” And then run away.
6. Google pictures of old people because like, old people are cool and inspirational. Add them to your Pinterest vision board. #relationshipgoals
7. Become best friends with Taylor Swift and date all the guys she breaks up with.
8. Tell the barista you’ve got a blank space for him and point to your crotch.
9. Pour coffee on yourself because nothing says “LEMME TAKE YOU HOME TO MA!” like 3rd degree burns.
10. Bring them a necklace, put it in a Tiffany’s box and when they open it, it will be a necklace of human teeth.
11. Find someone you really like and when you’re around them, just put yourself into a coma because while they patiently wait by your hospital bed, they will fall in love with you. That’s just how life works.
12. Find out what kind of house is your crush’s dream house. Build it and get it put in the newspaper like 15 years later and hope they read that newspaper and come say what’s up to see the house.
13. Tell them you don’t believe love exists.
14. Offer to buy them shampoo and then instead, give them a jar of ketchup.
15. Introduce yourself and then immediately propose.
16. Be Gary Busey.
17. Tell them you can only orgasm if Twilight is playing in the background.
18. Forget everyone else and become Kanye. Fall in love with yourself and be like, “This is all I’ve ever needed.”
19. Tell everyone you meet that your favorite band is Nickelback and cry when they think it’s a joke.
20. Never buy your date flowers. Bring them a pile of dirt.
21. After you give them the dirt, throw seeds in it and say, “Let’s water our love and nurture it, and hope a rose grows. Also, I’m cheap.”
22. Present them a raw chicken with zero explanation. (I’ve never seen this NOT work)
23. Make sure they always feel beautiful and important. You can do this by telling them they are worthless.
24. Have you heard of a G-spot? Sure, but what about the Q-spot??? Ask them the same question over and over, and also stick your finger in their armpit. Immediate arousal.
25. Talk about your ex when you have sex.
26. Talk about donkeys when you have sex.
27. Talk about your cousin when you have sex.
28. Shout, “THE TRAIN IS COMING INTO THE STATION!” when you are close to climaxing.
29. Collect their hair in the shower drain and knit them a hat. They will be touched by how thoughtful you are and impressed by your craftiness!
30. When they show you an eyelash to blow and say, “Make a wish!” respond by saying, “I wish I was with your mom.”
31. Wake them up with sweet, sweet kisses and then tell them to immediately get out of your house.
32. Idolize James Franco.
33. Watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
34. Send them this article and when they say, “THANX 4 WASTING MY TIME!” send them the eggplant emoji.
35. Always the eggplant emoji. 
