https://twitter.com/jazmasta/status/521777906218196992
https://twitter.com/gabrielroth/status/542680659173847040
Changes from yoga pants and gray hoodie to jeans and pink hoodie.
– what I just did so I'd "look more dressy" to go out.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) December 20, 2014
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule— Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) November 26, 2014
When a shark eats u but ur too badass to stay eaten pic.twitter.com/nyQI3UDMc1
— Good Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) December 23, 2014
https://twitter.com/Thunderhunk3000/status/434078382977200130
"My grandma died"
"I'm sorry to hear that"
"They're gonna paint her face and put her in a box on display if you wanna come have a look"— pat tobin (@tastefactory) December 23, 2014
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.— Radioactive Material ツ (@TheRolo) September 25, 2014
look officer i know i was speeding but they stop selling egg mcmuffins in 7 minutes
follow me sir, if i use the siren we might make it
— FRO VO (@fro_vo) August 12, 2014
look at my cane collection, i’ve earned these from boss battles i’ve won by the park. i am currently level 25. they were mostly all level 78
— 현춘이 (@ughHugs) October 2, 2014
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It's not working. His name is Socks.— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) November 21, 2014
https://twitter.com/ibid78/status/546399593697513473
https://twitter.com/RobElliottComic/status/543130590774833152
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say "asterisk vaults ov— ʎɹɹǝd ʎǝlɐɥ (@yung__spider) August 12, 2014
A nationwide recall of the popular children's cereal Trix was issued today
"Just dump them out in your garden" said one long-eared FDA agent— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) December 14, 2014
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I'd trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that's an air tight alibi— Schlimp (@schlimp) November 28, 2014
https://twitter.com/yaboydil/status/544203817936760832
https://twitter.com/PigeonCop/status/547139304234164226
https://twitter.com/shutupmikeginn/status/545291261695897601
