Confession: I Actually Don’t Like My Girlfriend. Here’s Why.

I have a confession to make that might sound shocking to you. I don’t actually like my girlfriend.

That’s right, I said it, and boy does it feel good to finally get that off my chest. Don’t get me wrong, she’s an incredible girl; smart, funny, hygienic, feminine, Caucasian, devoted to Christ. I love taking her out to dinner, and to see the latest alternative Christian contemporary bands, and I always tell her how beautiful she is. I can’t remember the last time I was mad at her for more than 5 minutes, and I only laid my hands on her once. But I don’t like her at all. Not one bit. In fact, there’s nothing I like about her.

Now I know what you’re probably thinking right about now: “What kind of terrible person would date someone without even liking them? Are you mentally crazy? Have you lost your marbles?! Do you have a few screws loose up there buddy?!? WHAT’S YOUR FREQUENCY?!?” Well, once you read the explanation to my thought process in just a few more paragraphs, you’ll see that there’s actually a pretty big twist here.

But first, let me tell you a little bit about my girlfriend. I first met Chelsey two years ago when I was just a sophomore in high school. I was in a bad place spiritually. For as long as I could remember, I had struggled with an addiction to masturbation. It seemed I couldn’t go five minutes without having to spill my seed somewhere, and boy, did I ever… in the bio lab of my high school, in the back of the bus, in the employee restroom at Cold Stone Creamery. There wasn’t a single square foot of my town that had not been coated in my seminal emissions. I had also started experimenting with dangerous drugs like cigarettes and alcoholic energy drinks, and these were taking a toll on my personal well-being.

It was around this time that my friend P.J. invited me to attend his youth group service. “No way bro,” I protested, “Church is for geeks and nerds.” But P.J. always seemed like a pretty happy guy, and I wanted to know the secret to his happiness. So I went anyway. At the youth group, I listened to a bunch of beautiful testimonies from kids just like me. Kids who were addicted to masturbation and most importantly, kids who love to play Guitar Hero! :P

After the service, I was approached by a beautiful girl with jet black hair. She introduced herself as Chelsey and asked me why I came to the youth group. I blushed and told her about my addiction. That’s when she shared a line of scripture with me that completely changed the way I think.

Job 31:11 – “The heart of lust is so wicked, for lust is a shameful sin.”

“I never thought about it that way before,” I said.

“That’s the cool thing about The Bible,” she said, “It’s like this old book, but it has a lot of really smart stuff in it. Now come on, that half-pipe isn’t gonna skate itself!”

Two years later and we’re still together. But the truth remains, I don’t like my girlfriend. Not at all. I’m serious. I don’t like her. Let that statement really sink in for a second. I’m going to say it one more time and then we’ll do the reveal. I don’t like my girlfriend.

…I LOVE her!

You see what I did there? The entire time you were under the impression that I didn’t like my girlfriend, only for it to be revealed in the end that what I meant was that I love her. Get it? I don’t like her. I love her! Pretty clever, huh? Oh man, you should have seen yourself! You were all like “what in the darn-heck is this guy talking about over here?! It sounds like he likes her, but he keeps saying he doesn’t like her. What exactly am I missing here?! I mean, this just does not compute!”

All joking aside, love is a beautiful thing that should be taken seriously. So before I go, I’d like to share with you one last beautiful verse from The Bible about love:

“If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.” Leviticus 20:13