1. “Why do I even bother with working out and eating healthy? I should just eat cinnamon rolls and get fat. Nobody will care.”
2. “Maybe I should go on a dating show. I have about as much chance falling in love on The Bachelor as I do anywhere else.”
3. “I’m pretty sure my love life is dryer than the California drought.”
4. “I’m going to go out tonight and find someone cute to make out with.”
5. “I’m not going out tonight because it’s the same shit, different day.”
6. “My love life is like A Nickelback song.”
7. “How bad are arranged marriages, really?”
8. “If I see another cute coupe holding hands today, I’m going to puke.”
9. “When I get home tonight, I’m going to eat an entire cake by myself.”
10. “Dating is expensive anyway. At least I don’t have to buy shit for anyone but myself.”
11. “I should just give up and get 2-3 more dogs.”
12. “Please God, let me not be a cat lady when I get older.”
13. “Mayne, I am really tired of everybody and their damn relationships on Facebook.”
14. “From now on when people ask me where I live, I’m going to say ‘Single City, Lonely Island.’”
15. “I’m just going to make up a long-distance S.O. so everyone will get off my back.”
16. “Maybe I should just settle. I mean everyone has to settle in the end, right?”
17. “Maybe I should just go into the convent or become a monk.”
18. “I could die right now and no one would even know. The person I went on a date with last weekend would just think I blew him off.”
19. “I could die in my apartment and I’m pretty sure nobody would know for 2 weeks.”
20. “I think I’m going to get that cuddling body-pillow thingy.”
21. “Am I just going to have to settle for being the cool, single, aunty (uncle)?”
22. “What’s going to happen first, Jesus’s second coming or me getting into a relationship?”
23. “How many rom-coms can I watch in one night before this becomes emotional cutting?”
24. “Do I really suck that badly? Or does everyone else just suck?”
25. “Well, at least I’ll always have Netflix and pizza.”
26. “At this point, anybody with a pulse will have to do.”
27. “Everyone is going to die alone anyway.” 
