When You Love Someone Who Is Scared To Love Again

It is so admirable, the way you carry yourself. It’s so carefree. You would never know that behind those beautiful eyes is a hurting soul. You are so open, you don’t hold back telling your past. The reasons why you feel messed up, why you are taking it slow, the name of the person who burned you good. I feel as though I were there.

It was so easy to fall for you. You were so sure at first that you wanted this — to be in love again — and it is not that I am calling you a liar, but it is hard to believe when you are so scared to give me your heart. I don’t think you mean to lead me on or hurt me, but it is happening and I hate myself for letting it. Your smile, your beautiful face, the way you shake your head at me when I say something silly. These are the reasons I began to fall.

Your heart, and how big I know it is. How kind you are with everything you do. How particular you are and how I know you want every experience in life to be enjoyed to the fullest. How spontaneous you are. How when we argue, there is so much passion that we cannot stay mad for long. How dysfunctional we are. The way you comfort me during my bouts of anxiety. The way you try to understand when I am totally irrational. The patience that you have. These are the reasons I am falling further.

If I could go back and erase it all, I wouldn’t, even though I know this isn’t going to work because you think love is a matter of circumstance. I still remember the night you said that to me. My heart literally shattered. To care so much for a person and to have them throw such a bland and typical statement at you — wouldn’t anyone’s? I was always hoping I would be the one to break your walls, to pull you out of this hole you have been sitting.

Above all else, I want to be happy with myself. I also want you to be happy with yourself. I wish I could say I was sure we could do that for each other. To save each other from the days that drag on, the nights feeling alone though surrounded by a sea of people, the emptiness that fills our hearts, wondering if anyone is thinking of us.

I want you to know that I care, and even though I am completely head over heels for every tiny dysfunctional bit of you, I will always be here no matter where we end. If we end now because this is too much for you. If we end down the road because of my career. If we end when we are both old and grey because I am sick of how you drool when you talk and you are sick of yelling because my hearing is gone. It doesn’t matter. You are a special person. A diamond in the rough, and you know I don’t take that statement lightly. I care. I really do. I mean do you remember what it feels like to be in love, I mean really in love. To know that no matter how bad your day, you will always have that someone who will be right by your side. The feeling of butterflies when you get a phone call from them. The way your breath catches when that person walks into a room. The person who would punch most anyone in the face if it would make you smile. The person who would wake up extra early to cook you pancakes even though she just worked a 12 hour night. The person who would drive five hours to spend 10 with you.

I could love you like that, if you let me.