10 Requests Only Excessively Drunk People Make
"I just need like a double quarter pounder with cheese no onion and a diet coke half the ice. In my mouth. Now."
By Ashley Twigg
1. Food.
“I just need like a double quarter pounder with cheese no onion and a diet coke half the ice. In my mouth. Now.” It doesn’t matter if ten seconds prior they were speaking in only facial expressions and mimes their McDonalds order will come out clear as day.
2. Someone to cuddle with.
This is the point of the night where the “who” in this scenario is merely just semantics. “I don’t care. I just wanna snuggggleeee…that’s all.” Right.
3. Their phone.
We must find it and we must find it now. “Can you just get me my phone?… It was over there…Can you just call it? It’s there.”
4. Their phone charger.
You cannot pass out with your phone at 17%, you just can’t.
5. The bathroom.
“I need to pee. I don’t care where. I need to go now. I’ll go right here. I don’t care. They can’t see me.”
6. To get out of their clothes.
Heels, dress, pants, you name it. They need off their body. Stat. “I can’t with this bra anymore and fuck these shoes too.”
7. The bottled water.
It might happen at midnight, it might happen at 3AM. Either way sheer and utter painful dehydration will hit you and hit you hard.
8. An explanation for all the terrible things that ever happened to them.
“I just like don’t understand why he had to do that to me? Like did I do something to deserve that? He’s not so great… You know? Who the fuck does he think he is?”
9. Their bed.
“I just need to go to bed. I’ll be fine. I just need my bed. Need a little nap. Okay? Night.” Passes out on kitchen floor, elevator, sidewalk, on creepy dude at the bar’s lap.
10. Another drink.
“Shut up. I’m fine. I just need one more. Seriously I’m good to go…goooood toooo gooo!” 
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