1. Thanks, guys

When I was an EMT I responded to call where a hobo was hit by a train.

He was scattered over the course of about two miles. I came across a shirt filled full of “remains” when I asked for a hand, the evil bastards I worked with gave me the Guy’s arm from the elbow down.

2. Ugh…just…ugh

My mom’s a paramedic and dinner conversations are usually interesting. She had one partner that just seemed to attract all the crazy calls, we’ll call him Pat. Both of these happened while she was riding with him.

They get a call for a woman in labor, not quite full term, but close. When they get there she’s already spread out saying she has to push. They never even had a chance to get her on a stretcher. Delivering babies isn’t that unusual for paramedics but this didn’t go as planned. After five or so minutes of straining and groaning and pushing with my mom at her head and her partner on the business end they had a successful delivery … of an approximately ten pound turd right into Pat’s hands. Seems she’d been constipated for ages and not done anything about it. When the time finally came she mistook the stomach cramps for labor.

Another day, another call, they end up in the projects with an overweight woman complaining of chest pains. Usually when there’s a chest pain call the patient is not up and walking around and cussing at everyone/thing in sight. This woman was doing all of the above, shirtless. She kept loudly repeating that her chest hurt while my mom and Pat asked her to let them take her vitals and to explain where the pain was. Eventually the woman had enough of them not understanding her and walked up to Pat. She screamed “I SAID MY CHEST HURTS,” picked up her huge saggy breasts and flopped them into Pat’s hands. She wasn’t having heart pains, she was having literal chest pains. Poor Pat.

There’s more, always, but those are my favorites of the funny calls. Getting an absolutely ridiculous run every now and then really helps them deal with some of the horrible things they face.

3. To be a paramedic, you need a strong stomach

My mom is a supervisor now and is the one that mostly decides when they need more than one unit on a scene, or if they need to call out the other company in town for backup. We’re in AL and the temperatures are already obnoxious. All of this is relevant.

About two weeks ago she got a call for stomach problems in a trailer park. When they got to the scene there were nearly a hundred people laid out in the yard vomiting and having diarrhea everywhere. There had been a hispanic family having a reunion. Someone made something with mayonnaise in it and left it out all day in the heat. Everybody ate it and thus suffered the consequences of Alabama heat plus mayonnaise. Mom actually had to get every unit at her company and call the other company in town for backup to transport everyone to the hospital. They transported five or six per unit on the benches in the back. And then all of the trucks had to be washed out. Mom said she took two or three showers and still felt filthy.

4. That was unexpected

I’m a volunteer firefighter in south Texas, and one of my weirdest calls has to be something that happened just a few months ago.

We receive a page saying the local Naval Air Station has a plane down, requesting tanker and manpower assistance. We respond with about 6 guys in our tanker and our command truck.

We get to the NAS, drive out to the brush behind the runways, and see two small grass fires as well as some smoldering wreckage of a Naval T-45 trainer. We’re told to stay by our trucks until the wreckage is cleared by the NAS firefighters, so we just stand around, bullshitting.

My Lieutenant and I are standing there, when we see one of the naval firefighters hauling ass around the front of our truck, yelling “Climb up! Get off the ground!” We don’t question the guy and almost vault on top of our truck. I look over the side, not knowing what to expect, and see a freaking wild pig running towards the truck. She hits the side, bounces back a little, snorts, and runs off into the brush, where we now notice a pack of piglets coming around her, then following deeper in. Then we look at the NAS guy, and he just shrugs, says “I dunno what set her off, but she charged me.” Then he just got back down and went about his business, while we stand there, looking at each other, laughing our asses off.

5. Okay, what the fuck

My ex-girlfriend had a friend who was a nurse at a local hospital. One day, X.G.F. suggests we go to the hospital to visit her friend. Knowing that this particular hospital has absolutely stunning french fries available in their cafeteria for bargain basement prices, I agree. Upon arrival, we meet Nurse Friend, who looks a little upset. I purchase my delicious fries, we sit down, and X.G.F. asks N.F. why she looks unhappy. N.F. relays the following story:

A woman had recently needed surgery to remove her appendix. They had sewn her back up, and sent her on her merry way. A few days later, she was back, complaining that her stitches had opened up. N.F. suggests to X.G.F. and I that this is a not unusual, given that the patient was overweight. (Current French Fry Consumption Ability: Above Par – All systems go for increased cholesterol.)

The doctor had sewn her back up, and once again, the patient departed. The next day, she came back. Her stitches had opened up again! Odd, but still not unexplainable. N.F. suggests to the patient that she avoid any unnecessary activity. They sew her up again, and she leaves. (Current French Fry Consumption Ability: Average – Warily chewing while waiting for multiple shoes to drop.)

That day, prior to our arrival, this woman had come back in. Same issue. The stitches have pulled themselves out again. As this is the fourth time she has to be sewn up, the doctor says “Look. You’re doing something wrong here. What are you doing? Are you pulling these out on purpose?” Patient gets super defensive. Doctor knows something is up. Patient starts to cry. They will not let her leave until she tells them what is happening. At this point, they bring in N.F., who is pretty much a 22 year old Mother Theresa – She is exactly the type of person whom I would want as a nurse. She can coax anything out of anyone.

Ready for this? N.F./22.M.T. manages to get this patient to admit that it is not in fact her whom is pulling the stitches out, but her fiance. This complete sociopath has convinced the patient to allow him to penetrate her. Sexually. Through the hole in her belly where the doctor had removed her appendix. Apparently, this was not a painful event for the patient, even though some fucking nut was railing her in the guts. They made her promise not to have the stitches removed again prior to sending her out. (Current French Fry Consumption Ability: The plane has crashed into the mountain. We’re done here.)

From what I gather, they did not have to re-stitch her again.

6. This is why you don’t do drugs

My best friend’s dad was one of the police officers that arrested Texas rapper Big Lurch, who was arrested for eating his roommate while high on PCP.

7. They didn’t know what to do for this one

One of my friends told me this one.

While working as a paramedic he went on a call with his partner in the LA area. When they arrived there was a cop outside busting up laughing. They walked in and saw that it was some kind of movie set and saw two men in the middle of the room, one was dressed as Little Bo Peep and the other as a sheep. Apparently it was a gay porn set and Little Bo Peep was on one of those sex swings and the guy dressed as the sheep was below him fisting him. The swing didn’t hold the weight so it snapped falling on the sheep. The force caused the sheep’s arm going farther up Little Bo Peep while at the same time snapping the forearm. Both of them were lying in pain in the middle of the room. They had to put both of them on the gurney together since they couldn’t pull the arm out. He didn’t tell me what happened after that and I really didn’t want to know.

8. He did his job

I’m a sheriff’s deputy. I had to put down a man on meth because he ran at me swinging a baseball bat after he beat his son unconscious

9. Broke legs, had cucumber

My uncle was an EMT in a small redneck southern town. My favorite story is a man who got drunk and fell down the stairs of a bar, breaking his legs in the process. They had to cut his pants off to get to the injury, and when they took them off, they found a cucumber taped to the side of his thigh.

I asked my uncle what he did about it and he said they just left it there so when he sobered up, he’d find himself in a hospital bed with two legs in a cast and a cucumber rotting on his thigh.

10. Don’t do drugs, part 2

We were called to a public park where the police had a homeless man with a knife cornered who was obviously high (later found to be PCP). The knife was a folding knife with a curved, hook like blade, like this. In a desperate attempt to accomplish something, the man stuck the knife in left side of his abdomen and pulled the blade quickly to the right, slicing himself open and essentially gutting himself. When we arrived at the scene, he was sitting on the ground with his legs stretched out with a good portion of his intestines in his lap. We wrapped his midsection with a cellophane like product we typically used for pressure bandages and brought him to the hospital. He lived, but had an interesting night to say the least.

11. Don’t speed

We were called to the scene of a motorcycle accident on a local highway. The driver was a young male who was driving a rice rocket. he had lost control and went into the guard rail on the left side of the highway. It was later determined that he was traveling in excess of 90mph when he hit. His left arm was caught in the guard rail and the rest of him continued forward in a way that his chest was ripped open at his sternum. One of the troopers on the scene called us over to something that he found on the highway about 40 yards farther down. We identified it as the man’s heart, that had blown out of his chest on impact and shot down the highway.

12. Wow, people are fucked up

My uncle was an EMT and fire captain for a while. He does some different training type stuff now which means he doesn’t go out on calls much anymore.

Any way his weirdest story was about two guys who got killed by a farmer. His firehouse was on the border of a suburb and farming community. So with there being a lot of land people would go ride dirt bikes and motocross bikes, these two guys liked to jump some dirt piles or what have you on this one farmer property and he didn’t like it. He tried to get them to stop in various way but finally he had enough of it. He one day put up in a clearing/open path way a thing of high test fishing line or something like that between two trees. One of the guys on a motorcycle came through at head level and didn’t get his head taken off, but the line seriously cut into his neck and he ultimately bled out and died. My uncle was the one who was called to the scene to try and save him but he was pretty much dead when he got there.
He says that call has always sort of bugged him because it was a younger kid(20 something) and it was such a cruel way for the farmer to deal with his problem.

13. He just rolled with it

Working a shift with an ambulance crew. I’m not an EMT, was there for a company building a product to help EMTs and dispatchers to communicate. Went to a call about intense abdominal pains.

Get to the apartment, knock, we can hear the guy yelling from deep in the apartment, saying “bust it down.” So the EMTs did break it open. We go in, find a guy, fully clothed, lying on his bed in a fetal position moaning. The EMTs start taking his vitals. He’s breathing, pulse is fast, but strong. Temperature is a little up, but nothing. And they fire off the questions about food, sex, injuries in the past, anything at all that could result in abdominal pains. And one of them is trying to feel his gut, hits something and just turns pale. Says, “This guys got a huge cyst or something, it’s hard as a rock. And it’s inflamed. Better roll.” So they throw him on the gurney, and out we go.

I’m audiotaping the whole conversation back to dispatch as we run down the hall. We load up and head. Two minutes into the trip, the guy screams and jerks, then faints. One of the EMTs noticed a big dark wet spot on the guys ass. So they start cutting away his trousers. We arrives just as they clear away enough to see he’s bleeding anally. I go in with the team and start the prep work, but the bleeding is getting worse, so finally into surgery, where they removed a softball AND a baseball from his anus. Apparently, he lubed up, put the baseball in a condom, enjoyed it, so went bigger, and got the softball in but then the cramps began.

14. Filthy conditions

Unconscious woman whose toes were being eaten by cats in a hoarders residence.

15. That’s really creepy

There were firemen out in the middle of nowhere basically fighting a forest fire (Arizona) or brush fire. There wasn’t any real danger to people because of how remote this location was. Whether this happened on break or away from the fire he didn’t specify or I have forgotten, but off in the distance they saw a figure, a brightly colored figure walking calmly. As they squinted and started to pursue the figure, they realized there was a fully dressed, and face painted clown out in the middle of no where, no campgrounds, no houses for miles. And he had nothing on him (at least visible, ex. big bag for basic survival). He was just calmly walking alone in the middle of the forest.

While they started to get closer but still fighting through the brush the clown saw he was being followed and evaded them, and was never seen again. No one had heard anything or just kept it as a secret.

16. I wish I didn’t read that

My friend’s dad had to push some old ladies prolapsed anus in. Fucked up shit.

17. What the hell…

My neighbors dad was a rural highway patrolman, and he always took pictures of crash scenes. His office was out of his house, then he reported to another place when he wasn’t on patrol. One night he fell asleep in the recliner and he had an open folder of pictures he was writing notes for.

My friend and I snuck over and looked at the pictures. One of them said “victim’s eye recovered after coroner left, so I placed it in evidence bag and refrigerated for tonight”. Sure as shit, there was a paper bag in the fridge, sealed up, with a date and name on it.

18. That’s creepy as hell

Driving home on a storm day, I see that a sideroad up to the local golf course is blocked off by flashing barricades. I also spy a Mercedes parked past the barricades with it’s hazards on. I stop and walk up to the car to see if they need help (I’m an EMT), I shine my light in the back seat to see a man slumped over apparently asleep. Thinking I’ve got a few drunks, I move up to the driver window and rap on the glass and shine my light in, the driver is sitting bolt upright, unmoving staring straight ahead. My window rapping or light doesn’t cause him to blink, flinch or move. I look over and the passenger is slumped forward onto the dash. This begins to creep me out, I call down to the Sheriff station and request a Code-2 (no lights/sirens, leisurely arrival) unit up to my location to help me check them out (doors are locked). While on the phone I walk back to my truck to get my go-bag, as I’m on the phone with dispatch, she asks me to get a license number for the car just as a PG&E (power company) cherry-picker truck comes rumbling down from up the closed road. I move to go around the truck to get the plate number, and the car is gone. I talked to the driver of the truck and he said there was a 80 foot tree down across the road, and that he didn’t think it’d be open for a day or so. So the question is… the hell did the car go? Tree up one way, barricades down the other. It’s kept me a bit unsettled when stopping at accidents/hazards since then.

19. DANGER, DANGER

When I was on the FD, we had a call for a power line down at a cell tower up on a hill in the middle of nowhere. This was during a bad storm. Power company trucks were all tied up already when we got toned out. We get there and the power line for the cell tower is lying in the road. There is a number on the shack at the bottom of the antenna so we call the number. While trying to get a hold of someone from the cell tower, which is running on a generator and possibly still energizing the line that is laying the street we realize the door to the shack is unlocked so we’re all standing inside it out of the rain. The asst. chief is on his phone talking to some guy about the antenna and all of a sudden he goes pale white, like a ghost, then walks out the door into the ran and tells us all to get out.

Turns out the guy on the phone had told him that whatever happens don’t go in the shack because it is infested with brown recluse spiders that are attracted by the warmth.

Everyone was shitting bricks when they heard that.

20. Accidents happen

A guy had accidentally hung himself in his garage. He literally had a contraption he had built that held him in a harness. One of his arms controlled a rope that was attached through a pulley system with a dildo at the end. As he pulled the rope the dildo did the job on his backside. The other arm controlled the same kind of pulley but at the end was a noose that was tied around his neck. Needless to say he pulled a little too tight on the noose end. It was a nice normal neighborhood and the guy was married with kids with a seemingly completely normal life.

21. Now I’m convinced cats are seriously pure assholes

I’ve got a few… I came to a unconscious unresponsive young male in a bathroom w/ massive bleeding. Turns out he was getting frisky w/ a plunger and his feet slipped out underneath him and it just ripped his hollow and solid organs apart. He was obviously DOA.

Another was a old lady whom hadn’t been seen outside her apartment for quite some time and wasn’t answering the door. We knew she had died as we could smell her from outside. The fire department knocked down her door. I told the firefighter to go in and he was like “No way, it would be an emergency,” fully knowing that she was almost 100% dead. Lights were all turned off and it was 2am so each room I had to flip the switch. There were bloody paw prints all over the place and in the bathroom, the toilet seat had been flipped up and there were bloody paw prints all around it as well. When I flipped the bathroom light I was pretty sure what I would see, but it was worse than I had expected. The cats had started to eat her after she had died. I was 19 at that time…

22. Don’t do this either

A man, late at night, walks into ER with a huge overcoat on backwards. On his crotch region is a huge bulge. The man asks to go see a male doctor immediately. With emphasis on the MALE. He walks in to the room takes of his over coat and there is a cat. On his cock.

He was having sex with the cat and because the human penis is too large it killed the cat. Because the cat died, all of it’s muscles clenched up and the cat was stuck on his dick.