1. They had a good laugh

When I was about 17, some friends and I got involved in a scavenger hunt. It was a tie. So the tie breaker was: “Bring back to coolest thing you can find.”

We didn’t get anything special, but the other group? They went to a dollar store type place that had a coin operated horse in front of it. It was about 1am, no other cars in the lot besides an 86 Nova driven by my friend. They start to dismantle this horse, eventually getting it apart, put it jn the back of the nova with the head sticking out the window, an drive off.

They get about 15 feet before the two cops that were watching them the entire time pull up. They ended up having to put this horse back together, then made everyone ride it to make sure it still worked. My good friend was scared and crying, riding a mechanical horse. After I heard this story, I knew the cops probably thought it was the funniest thing they had seen in a long time.

2. Merry Christmas

I was working the 3-11 shift one year on Christmas Eve. As I was patrolling the residential section of my sector, I saw this complete shitwagon sputtering down the dimly lit street. The tail light was cracked, so I ran the plate. I got a hit for the registered owner for an outstanding traffic warrant for his arrest. Maybe $400-$500 worth. I saw the car pull over and park in front of a house. I was about to flip on the lights, and I saw him get out of the car. His driver’s license picture came up on my computer screen with the hit notification, but I couldn’t see if it was definitely him or not — he was dressed as Santa, sack of toys and all. Now aware of my presence, he says hello.

“Are you Richard?” I ask.

“Yes, I am, how can I help you?” He responds.

“Is this your car?”

“Yes, sir. I’m in from out of town. About to surprise my nephews and nieces with presents!”

“Merry Christmas, Richard.” And I just drove away.

3. Well, that was random

I was actually observing the following exchange in court once. A lady received a ticket for a “seat cushion violation”. So, in my state (FL) if you are unusually short for whatever reason you get a restriction on your license that says you need a booster seat to drive. Makes logical sense. Here’s how the Exchange went:

“So Miss you’re here for a … ‘seat cushion violation’, wait is that even a thing?” (lengthy exchange with the state attorney followed, they put white noise in so we couldn’t hear it but the judge was laughing her ass off the whole time). “Well, OK that’s a new one… How tall are you?”

“5’2″, your honor.”

“So you’re not that short really, do you have a restriction on your license?”

“No your honor, the officer said I looked really short and needed it.”

“Wait, what? Case dismissed, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

4. Good guy police officer

I frequently (or did when I was in uniform) let Impaired Care or Control slide. If I found someone sleeping in the back seat of their parked car after drinking, it demonstrated to me a decision to NOT drink and drive. I’d often take keys, or drive someone home, but arresting them just seemed wrong.

5. Don’t do drugs

A long long Time ago, in a life far removed from my own. I had a nasty heroin addiction. I cleaned up my life and had been clean for three years. My friend had been learning to become a tattoo artist and asked me if I wanted one. To repay his kindness I picked up a thirty pack and some tequila. After about three hours of him digging in with the gun and most of the beers and booze gone we came up with THE PLAN. We were going to go to the city and score some dope. Didn’t take long and we accomplished just that. We found a nice quite, dimly lot parking lot to pull in and get to get high. We break out the gear and started. He got his ready faster and got it done, I was out of practice and fumbled around for a bit. Just then someone knocked on the window, It’s the cops. We roll down the window and they ask if we knew where we were. Before we can say anything the cop said “This is the fucking police station parking lot, Are you fucking retarded?” They took the dope and sent us on are way and I now have thirteen years clean thanks to that cop.

6. He screwed himself over

I had a motorcycle accelerate past me right as I was about to get off the interstate. He downshifted and took off clearly being an arrogant smartass. I merged back on and chased him even though I had no realistic chance of catching him. He continued to flee even after I initiated lights and sirens, and attempted to get off at the next exit to lose me. I lost sight of him as he hit the ramp because it went down to the road at an angle. As I got to the exit I had to slam on my brakes as he was laying in the middle of the road. He had lost it trying to make the turn onto the surface street. He got up as I got out of the car and had his helmet in his hand. I drew my weapon and ordered him to the ground, but he was too busy slamming his helmet on the pavement repeatedly yelling, “Stupid, stupid, stupid…”

I did take him to jail, but did not charge him for felony evading arrest. I figured his totaled bike and sky high insurance premiums would probably prevent any future motorcycle related shenanigans. Plus he was kind enough to let me catch him in the first place.

7. Going to get destroyed at work today

I was working the metal detector at our court. I tell people to remove anything METAL from their pockets and place it on the table before walking through. This one guy pulls out his (plastic) bag of weed and lays it out in front of me. I did a triple take to make sure it was what I thought it was. I told him that marijuana is not metallic and that he should keep that in his pocket next time. Since he already has some legal issue pending in court I decided not to pile anything else on him. I confiscated the bag and signed it into evidence to be destroyed. No charges. I see the guy around all the time now.

8. Some people are unreasonable

My ex fiance was a cop for a redneck town where the people didn’t have much money. He was called to the grocery store where a little girl about 9 was being detained in the managers office for stealing a box of tampons. He said she had tears and snot everywhere and her pants had obvious blood stains all over the front. My ex then bought the box she was trying to steal along with 3 more boxes, some food, and milk. He then drove her home to a trailer that was falling apart. It wasn’t so much the crime that was ridiculous but more the manager’s reaction. I guess when my ex came in the manager was just screaming at this terrified 9-year-old.

9. I wish I was there for the officer’s reaction

Not a cop but would like to thank one for letting me go.

I was driving home from work, was stuck in SoCal traffic. Didn’t have to pee when I got into my car but by the time I was about to hit my off ramp it felt like I was about to let loose the rolling thunder building up in my bladder.

My house was about 2-3 blocks from the freeway offramp and about halfway up a steep hill. There was also a community college, a mall and a high school in the nearby area, so the intersection leading up to the hill was a notorious speed trap. I was paying more attention to the impending tsunami than the cop car at the intersection when the light turned green.

Lights, sirens, and I’m about to cry. At this point I don’t even care about the ticket as I can literally see my apartment door and I’m in danger of unleashing Niagara Falls in my car. I had literally never had to pee so bad in my life.

Cop walks up to my car and I can’t do it. I open the door (bad form, I know) shove my wallet, ID, insurance into his hands and sprint to my house across 4 lanes of traffic. I left my keys in the door and the door open. Didn’t care, had to pee.

I hear the cop enter the house as I’m literally sitting on the toilet pissing my brains out in a (seemingly) never ending stream. When he knocked on the door, I thought I was surely going to jail, my little E-Nothing military career was going to be ruined and that I didn’t want to die on the toilet (I was convinced he was going to shoot me for running.)

Apparently my internal monologue of freaking out wasn’t so internal. At some point he started laughing and asked me if I was ok. I told him I was, that I would be out in a moment and that I was terribly sorry about all of it.

When I finished up washing my hands and stepped out of the bathroom, the cop was in my living room waiting for me. He told me that he pulled my car into our complex’s parking lot and warned me not to do that kind of thing in the future. He tossed me my keys and walked out to his squad car still chuckling.

10. The judge was incredulous

Happened to a friend: They were drinking one night and on their walk home, decided they were going to try to steal a newspaper vending machine. Seeing as they were all hammered, three sheets to the wind drunk and the machine was bolted to the concrete, they succeeded only in damaging it, making a lot of noise, attracting the police and getting arrested.

Judge: “What in God’s name were you doing?”

Friend: “Well… we wanted to get the paper every morning.”

Judge: “That’s so completely ridiculous I actually believe it.” And he downgraded their charges to misdemeanor criminal mischief.

11. Children suck

I had a case where a guy was charged with DV / Assault. A kid had shown up late for school and the resource officer asked him why. The kid said he hadn’t wanted to go and that his dad had dragged him out of bed, pushed him out the door and thrown his backpack at him. The SRO then went to the kid’s house and asked the dad what happened. The dad was like “yep, I dragged him out of bed, down the stairs, pushed him out the door and locked it. I told him he couldn’t come back in until after 4:00.” The SRO sent it in for charging and in the decline I wrote, “We don’t charge people with crimes for being good parents.”

12. I shit you not

As a young patrolman in the Air Force Security Police, got a call to an office referencing possible sabotage or theft of classified material. I remember thinking how this could a huge case.

I was thinking ahead about all the questions to ask and who would have to get called in. I get to the office, get all the basic identifying information from the complainant/victim. I asked her what made her think there was sabotage going on and she told me that the last couple days she’s been coming into work and data on her 2.5″ disks (yes, I’m old enough for those) has been erased. So, I ask where she stores her disk.

She turns to her whiteboard, and shit you not, pulls her disk out from under a MAGNET. I actually stood there, blank faced in awe as this woman who developed complex systems for the military held this disk out to me. All I could say was “Ma’am, do you know what happens to a MAGNETIC storage device when you expose it to a MAGNETIC field generated by, say a MAGNET?”

13. That was close

Not the US to clarify – this was in South Africa in the early 90s.

When I was in high school the rugby team found out I had learned how to drive, but not yet received my licence. They all knew I did not drink, so one of them had the genius idea of inviting me to parties as the designated driver. We’d lost a popular kid to a drunken accident a few months earlier, so it was actually a good idea.

It was a great arrangement, lots of parties, lots of girls and all I had to do was get them home in one piece afterwards. It went great for a few weeks, until one night.

The police had heard there was a big party on a farm outside of town and decided to set up a roadblock. So I come driving up to the flashing lights, car filled with 5 big drunk guys, including one passed out with his head out the window. And little scrawny me, barely able to look over the steering wheel. And the inside of the car smells like a brewery.

The officer takes one look at the car, asks me to step out. “Have you been drinking.” “Uh. No officer. I don’t drink.” Has me take a breathalyzer. Zero. Looks at me. “Can I see your drivers licence?” “Uh. Sorry Officer. I don’t have one yet. I’m getting it next week.” And I point back towards the car. “But they have theirs”

He looked at me. Flipped his little book closed and said “Just take them home. Next time I see you, you’d better have your licence.”

14. It’s great to be a Texan sometimes

I’ll tell my favorite story of a cop letting me go. I was driving late at night through a Texas highway with my girlfriend asleep in the passenger seat. It was 1am and I was tired, just trying to get home for the night. There was no one around for miles, so I was going close to 100mph. Well a cop decided to pull me over for speeding and I had no idea what to do so I jostled my girlfriend awake quickly to help me figure it out while I pulled over. She was in a deep sleep when I woke her up and started getting mad at me and crying for waking her up and I was such a bad boyfriend and yadda, yadda, yadda.

Well, just when she broke down and started bawling about how terrible I was, I rolled the window down to give the cop my license and I said in my best Texas accent “I’m sorry officer, but it’s late and if I don’t get her home soon, her daddy’s gonna kill me!” The cop looked at her crying and upset, and just gave me my licence back and said “You better get going, son!”, and let me leave.

15. Good deeds never go unnoticed

My dad was a police officer for about five years, I remember him telling me this story about him getting called into a Goodwill because of an attempted theft. When he arrived, he saw a homeless man in a pair of pants that were at least a few sizes too small. Apparently, he needed pants and he didn’t have the 12 dollars for them so he tried to steal them. When he was caught, the police were called. My dad paid the 12 dollars, chewed the clerks out a little, and purchased the man a decent-fitting pair of pants before sending him on his way. I like that story.

16. STFU Spongebob

A couple of kids came in confessing they stole a balloon. They didn’t know it was free balloon day. We put them in a cell for 3 seconds then let them out and gave them lollipops. Gotta love being a cop.

17. Stupid-ass baloney charges

Prosecutor here. I came across one such domestic violence case during intake.

The facts: husband and wife arguing, husband grabs wife’s keys and throws them in the yard. Husband is charged by beat cop with Criminal Tampering, and technically, husband was guilty under the law.

I’ve never written a faster motion to dismiss.

18. Murders take precedence over drunk teens

Not a police officer, but I witnessed it happen.

I got a phone call from a police officer using my buddy’s phone. Apparently my buddy (a jackass) got so drunk he fell out of his car in the drive-thru line at Taco Cabana. The cop told me I had fifteen minutes to get there and pick up my friend. I made it in time and the officer helped me throw my friend the bed of my truck. He told me to take my friend home and when he woke up tell him he was a fucking idiot.

The police officer was a homicide detective in the major city in which we lived, and he said he had real crimes to solve and to stop wasting his time.

19. Towns have curfew?

My best friend in HS and I were both night owls. One night at around 3 a.m. we decided to go up to the 24 hour gas station for sunflower seeds. We got about halfway there when 2 cops stopped us for being out after curfew. We were both 17 and didn’t even know our town HAD a curfew. They asked where my friend lived and we told them. Turned out one of the cops was a church friend of her dad.

The cops decided to be nice and take us to the gas station and bought us our icees and sunflower seeds but wouldn’t let us out of the car because it was still past curfew. They did, however, let us out at the end of her street an sit there for a moment with the lights on (no siren obviously) so we could jump out of the car and race to her house pretending we were running from the cops.

20. Yeah, he’s that guy

I got caught stealing condoms from Walmart awhile back…The cop just laughed it off and said he found it hilarious and I was never filed with any charges.

21. I was hoping it was Floridaman, but no luck

I do not work in the USA. I have no idea how such a matter would be dealt with in the States.

I went to a call of a reported robbery. I get out of the car and talk to the chap who was standing at the side of the road. He starts talking nineteen to the dozen about how two fellows robbed him. I start taking a description, establishing a direction of travel, etc. This chap is a fairly regular customer, public order, petty theft, etc – in gardening terms a hardy perennial, but it doesn’t mean that he can’t be a victim of crime.

The story is as follows – my friend came into some money. He wouldn’t tell me how he came by the money, but I have a pretty good idea. He smoked some weed with some chaps that he met on the street. It was good weed and they told him they could get him some more, as well as heroin and methadone, which was what he was really looking for.

He then produces the remainder of the weed in a bag.

I take the weed off him and look at it. “This weed here.” “Yeah, officer, it’s great stuff. They said they could sell me some more and some heroin.” “Ok. What happened then.” “Well, we came up here. points to a nearby block of flats ” I gave the money for the weed and the heroin and they went off to get it. That was nearly an hour ago, officer. I don’t think think they’re coming back.” “Right. Do you have any idea where they went?” “Not really. But it’s not right. I dealt in good faith.” “Shocking.”

I put the weed down the drain where we were standing, commiserated with my friend on the fallen nature of Man and then sent him on his way.

It seems you can’t trust anybody these days.

22. All in a day’s work

Not a cop.

A couple of friends and I were driving down the highway to a friend’s house. We took two cars because of the amount of people. A girl in my car has the good idea to moon the other car of people. She rolls down the window and just sticks her whole bum out; we would later find out her vulva was in full view as well.

This is going on for about a minute until we suddenly realize there is an officer right behind us, tailgating. He has clearly seen what is going on, and everyone in the car is flipping out.. until we realize he is laughing. Move the car over a lane and he jets right past us.

tl;dr cop laughs at mooning on the highway

23. If you think I’m going to tackle her, you’re wrong

I am working as a rent-a-thug while finishing off my degree, and have some pretty amusing stories.

The best is from a grocery store in a bad part of town.

So. Picture a woman. A large woman.

Nope, larger.

She’s allergic to soap and showers too, apparently. Hair has probably never been washed.

Enormous breasts. Enormous cleavage. It was stinky.

I watched her grab a Koolaid packet, 69 cents, and stuff it into her bra. Then another. Then two more.

I then watched her walk right out the front door.

I gave the store manager 4 bucks to cover the loss.

Sometimes it’s just not worth it.

24. Honesty works

Not a big crime or anything but I got pulled over by a cop one time when I was 18 years old. I had blatantly ran a stop sign in a neighborhood with my friend in the car. When the officer got to my car he asked what I was doing and why he had pulled me over, I stated, “Well I just ran through that stop sign back there. I was just taking my friend to this porn store right here because its his 18th birthday.” The cop just looked at me and said, “Quit running them damn stop signs.” Then he proceeded to give me back my ID and left.

I guess being honest helped in that situation.

25. That’s unsanitary

Once, while doing a patrol check of abandoned vehicles on a major highway I came across a pickup truck with the keys in the ignition and the doors unlocked. I looked around the wood line but didn’t see anyone. The truck was parked directly in front of a bridge so I looked over the guardrail into the embankment area and immediately saw a man squatted with his pants around his ankles. I inquired as to what he was doing and he replied, “taking a dump.” As I didn’t see any TP or hand sanitizer in the vicinity I didn’t really want to touch his license after he did. So, I told him to hurry up and left.