The Differences Between Being Hungry, Horny, Sleepy & Bored

You can have a $25 giftcard to anywhere you’d like.

Hungry: The nearest fast food joint.
Horny: Do strip clubs do gift cards? No? Ha, I was totally kidding anyway – Hooters it is.
Sleepy: Can I just decide after this nap?
Bored: How far will $25 get me at Disneyland? Damn, um, maybe a gas card so I can venture out. Ooh, actually, Walmart! That will be entertaining.

Your ideal Starbucks order right now would consist of:

Hungry: Fourteen cake pops.
Horny: Flirtatiously asking the barista for their recommendation so you can tell them how good it is, regardless of how mediocre it actually tastes.
Sleepy: Something with several caffeine shots.
Bored: Asking for details about various coffee beans and the structure of that overpriced thermos for sale, just so someone will interact with you for a bit.

Your mom calls. You react by:

Hungry: Asking her to describe in great detail what she made for dinner.
Horny: Answer by opening with the firm message that you’ll call her back, not allowing her to get any words out, other than “K, bye.”
Sleepy: Immediately regret answering as every five minutes listening to a rambling mother while tired feels like an hour.
Bored: Happy to give your mom a rare chance to shine, telling you the same stories you’ve heard before for a third, fourth, fifteenth time.

If a friend called and invited you to the bar right now, you’d say:

Hungry: Do they have good appetizers anything edible at all?
Horny: Who all is going? Invite (someone you think is attractive).
Sleepy: *sit silently, politely waiting for incoming call to be forwarded to voicemail*
Bored: WHEN? NOW? I CAN BE READY IN 3 MINUTES. I’M ON THE WAY. I’M OUTSIDE YOUR PLACE. YOU READY? HUH HUH?

The Walking Dead marathon is on, you’re thinking:

Hungry: I wonder what kind of meat they use for the human flesh that zombies it. Bet it’d be great marinated and grilled.
Horny: Hershel isn’t necessarily bad looking, just old. I think I would though… Yeah, I would.
Sleepy: If Hershel’s daughter starts singing, I’m definitely dozing off.
Bored: *snoring* After Hershel’s daughter, Beth, inevitably takes an opportunity to perform.

The thought of ordering a pizza right now:

Hungry: HELLS YEAH!
Horny: This is promising, I’ve seen a lot of pornos start this way. I’m in.
Sleepy: How long is the wait? I’m going to be pissed if I fall asleep and miss out on pizza.
Bored: I think I’ll order it for pickup, see what happens on the (hopefully) adventurous way there and back.

Your roommate says they’re running to the grocery store. Your next move is to:

Hungry: Campaign for free grub.
Horny: Find out which store and calculate if you have enough time to do some hasty self-pleasing.
Sleepy: Give them a heads up that they’ll be bringing in their groceries alone.
Bored: Excitedly invite yourself, yelling “Ooh, I’ll go with!”

Which of these sounds most appealing to you right this very moment?:

Hungry: A bowl full of your third favorite vegetable.
Horny: Any random 30-second Brazzers trailer.
Sleepy: Keeping your eyes closed for 30-seconds.
Bored: A Podcast by that guy you saw on that one thing a few months ago.

Your mindset at the club:

Hungry: When we get out of here I’m going to annihilate multiple food stands.
Horny: Somebody make eye contact with me… C’mon, I didn’t sit through three hours of gah-damn Pitbull to not get any action. At least give me some potential action so I have something to work with later.
Sleepy: Constant clock checks, subtle but audible sighs so whoever you’re with knows you want to leave.
Bored: Constant phone checks, Tweeting, Facebook-ing.