11 People Who Need To Stop Talking

1. Anthony Weiner

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHYH_HKmBtE&w=584&h=390]
I always thought that I’d be caught dead before trying to impart some campaign advice to Anthony Weiner. But really, it must be said that learning to shut up might actually work in his favor. Like, screaming, “Anybody here from Jamaicaaaa!” at The West Indian-American Parade? Not the greatest publicity move. Also, I would tell him not to engage with hecklers but it seems it’s a little late for that. The other day he got into an uncomfortably tempestuous fight with a Jewish dude in a bakery. Regardless of why the fight began, these little quarrels and contretemps he’s recently found himself in is never good press. Talking back to hecklers is just making him come off as an all-around crazed asshole. Which is probably because he is.

2. Rachel Hodin

Yup, you read that right: me, moi. Sometimes I really do just need to stay mum on some topics. Like, I don’t know, the whole ugly/hot celebrity thing? A little crass. I know some of you trolls out there agree, and you know who else would agree? My 7th grade French teacher. But I’m really not as ignorant as you may think I am. And yet, in the picture above, that’s me, in the banana suit, fallen, after having just been tackled by the boy who is running away. And I’m pretty sure this happened because, once again, I was running my mouth.

3. Bashar al-Assad and his son

Bashar al-Assad’s use of tyranny and oppression is blatant. He has repeatedly denied having any part in the harrowing events that unfolded in the Damascus suburb last month, just adding salt to the Syrian people’s already deeply irreperable wounds. Yet what isn’t so blatant is what his 11-year-old son Hafez has been up to lately—that is, until he decided to broadcast his recent musings on a Facebook post to the world. And, let me tell you, it was a hoot! Hafez, you silly boy you. “I just want them to attack soooo much,” he said, regarding, you know, US, America. He went on, with his proven authority in the matter,

They may have the best army in the world, maybe the best airplanes, ships, tanks than ours, but soldiers? No one has soldiers like the ones we do in Syria, if you ask me what rank would I rank American “soldiers” I wouldn’t rank them the worst because the worst are soldiers, but America doesn’t have soldiers, what it has is some cowards with new technology who claim themselves liberators.

Well let me stop you right there Haf, because actually we DIDN’T ask you what your thoughts are on American soldiers seeing as you’re 11-YEARS-OLD. But please, continue,

They said they supported the “revolution” but actually they made it, right now we’re all syrian it doesn’t matter if your with or against because that’s democracy, the ability to express yourself in your own way so when people say that they are against the “regime” it’s fine but there’s a difference between those people and the people who claim our flag green, it’s like an offense to the country, but the worst is people who accuse the army of killing them, they accuse these men who are willing to risk they’re lives and die to keep us safe, of killing us, well when these people say that “the army is gonna end because America will attack” I can say that when America attacks it’s gonna attack every syrian, with, against, terrorists, the army.

So, two more things. One, Please learn the difference between there/their/they’reone; and two, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I’m pretty sure no American has said that the army is “gonna” end. No one is standing up in front of America using the word “gonna”.

4. Samantha Lynn Goudie

Was that you, Sam Goudie, who visited me in my nightmare last night? Cloaked in a black veil, you called yourself death. When I asked to see your face you de-robed yourself, projectile vomited on me, and screamed “YOLO Bitchez”. Next thing I knew, you were gone. It sure sounds like you, especially after you blew .341 in jail and proceeded to tweet “Just went to jail #yolo” under your rather apt handle @Vodka_samm (which has since been deleted). She then tweeted, “I’m going to get .341 tattooed on me because its so epic.” Right. Sam, you naughty little minx you.

5. Paula Deen

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zb4vhJaX1hw&w=584&h=390]
A call for Paula Deen to shut her mouth is not a new appeal—people have been on her case for weeks now, and rightfully so. And while I am in favor of her losing the ability to speak, I am also in favor of something a bit more specific: speak, but only in slow motion. Watch the video and you’ll understand.

6. Riley Cooper

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At Kenny Chesney concert, the Eagles player got into a little dispute. With the good judgment most football players tend to possess, he used the “n-word” as he was being filmed, with regards to the people at the concert who he was threatening to fight. Cooper was reportedly upset over being denied access to backstage.

7. Miley Cyrus and her dad

If Miley would just shut up for one second, maybe this piercing noise that’s been ringing in my ear since her VMAs performance will go away. Also, maybe it will reduce cases of visually impaired people in America because she’s making us all go blind. And then, even when she finally did speak out about her performance, she said something that we already obviously knew “You’re thinking about it more than I thought about it when I did it.” But more so than Miley is her father who should really just stop talking. “Of course I’ll always be here for Miley. Can’t wait to see her when she gets home,” he said, and, “She’s still my little girl and I’m still her dad regardless how this circus we call show business plays out. I love her unconditionally and that will never change.” Can you, like, not? Gross.

8. John Attanasio, Paul Attanasio’s son

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For those of you who don’t know, Paul Attanasio is a well respected screenwriter. His son, John Attanasio is now the hated son of said well-respected screenwriter. Here is his totally not offensive reaction to rear-ending another car, and also proof that “Rich Kids of Instagram” was based on actual, real life people. One notable excerpt reads, “Pussy ass faggot bitch, yeah look at me, look at me in my fucking million dollar car.”

9. Judge G. Todd Baugh

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Judge G. Todd Baugh is the guy who sentenced Stacey Dean Rambold to 15 years but suspended all but a measly 31 days because the 14-year-old girl he raped, the judge claimed—a girl who subsequently killed herself—the judge claimed, had just as much say in the sexual acts as Rambold, her teacher thirty-four years her senior.

10. Vladimir Putin

For simply wanting to, you know, protect Syrian president Assad’s mass brutality over his people.

11. Terrence Howard

Beat one woman, shame on you. Beat six women…nope, still shame on you, Terrence Howard. So, this is how it happened. His wife Michelle Ghent approached him about finding the phone numbers of six women in his bag. Apparently, Howard initially denied having any knowledge about the numbers but then turned violent once Ghent tried calling his bluff and dialed one of the numbers in front of him. Then, Howard apparently proceeded to throw her computer out the window (why her computer I’m not sure, since she was presumably using a phone to call the woman) and then slammed her to the ground twice. He then threatened to kill himself. His latest debacle with his wife marks the 6th time he was accused of beating a woman, but the first time he proclaimed to be Satan himself in a bizarre, preach-like text message he sent to his wife. The text reads,

I will become Satan Himself! You were my last chance to love. I will not Hate in all things and seek my vengeance upon Humanity for all the wrongs ever done to me!! You just killed the last grain of light within me. Now the darkness has begun! I hate all things because of you! The Antichrist is Here!

Oh yeah, and he also threatened to kill himself, kindly adding to his wife, “I’m just thinking if I should kill you first before killing me.” Awwww.