Subway Cookies
SUBWAY COOKIES ARE ALWAYS A LEGITIMATE REASON TO CHEAT ON YOUR DIET — especially the white chocolate chip macadamia nut ones, but the others are nothing to scoff at. The ordering of a healthy sandwich is always negated when you’ve got these magnificent baked goodies staring at you all doughy-eyed, right before you pay. Like, c’mon, would you give an opportunity to buy scratch tickets at the end of a gambling addict meeting? Life has many crossroads and most of mine happen at the cash register of various Subways. “Anything else?” they ask, and I stand there, weak, vulnerable, and at the mercy of this diet killer disguised as a sandwich artist. Rating: 9.8/10
Oreos
These must be devoured one row at a time, like a classy savage, leaving your teeth temporarily stained in black, cookie residue. If you think about it, those chocolate cookies by themselves are pretty legit, but when joining forces with that frosting in the middle something special is created. Also, these things are always perfectly dip-able, small enough for any cup. Is cookie size anything like penis size, in the sense that too big can actually be bad because it won’t even fit in some glasses of milk? Rating: 7.9/10
Soft, Frosted Sugar Cookies
If Jesus and Debbi Fields had a prodigy baker child, it would be responsible for creating these heavenly (get it?) morsels. Seriously, I’m not sure there’s any cookie on the market more perfectly soft, rich and sweet than these. Easter, 4th of July, Halloween, Christmas – they appear at every holiday with different colored toppings, making us remember that no matter how bad life is, frosted, sprinkled sugar cookies exist. Rating: 10/10
Fortune Cookies
Let’s be honest, we’re in it for that little piece of paper with the miniature horoscope type words of encouragement. The cookies aren’t necessarily bad, but depending on the fortune, the rating fluctuates. Any subpar cookie can suddenly seem above average when it whispers sweet nothings into your ear. Rating: 5.5/10 (with a good fortune) 3/10 (with a bad fortune)
Packaged Chocolate Chip Cookies
Chips Ahoy! and their knockoffs taste pretty similar, but I have a theory that the generic kinds actually tend to have more chocolate chips. Regardless, you know what you’re getting here. They won’t be warm and fresh, but you can find soft and chewy versions if that’s what your heart desires. Actually your heart probably desires some healthy fruits and veggies, but this isn’t a post about the salads and berries, so I’ll stay on topic. Pringles are to chips what Chips Ahoy! are to cookies – a highly addictive form. I wouldn’t recommend these if you’re trying to stop after a few cookies, but then again, when is a few cookies ever enough? Rating: 7/10
PEPPERIDGE FARM
Are they delicious? Yes, absolutely. So, why don’t we see people buying them very often? Because for the same price, you can get significantly more cookies in other forms (e.g. Oreos, Chips Ahoy! etc.). If you’re seeking prepackaged cookies that are high quality, these are your answer, however if it’s quantity you desire, you’ve got to explore other options. Just know that these are like the lords of the prepackaged cookie world, and one does not simply walk right past Pepperidge Farm’s selections without at least considering buying ‘em. Rating: 8.3/10
Precut, Bakable Cookies
If you can resist eating the dough long enough to bake the precut cookies, then you’ll experience something special. These are close to homemade, but if you don’t have all day to bake, or simply suck in the kitchen, these are an option well worth utilizing. I mean, surely you can preheat an oven and wait twelve minutes, right? Even if you can’t, these things don’t taste that bad when slightly burnt. That’s right, they’re STILL enjoyable — not many things can be overcooked and remain tasty. These in first place, bad batch contest, these in first place. Rating: 8.5/10
Biscoff (The Airplane Cookie)
I’m in an uncomfortable seat, you’re offering it to me for free, whatever, I’ll take it. That being said, we’re 20,000+ feet in the air, so fly carefully. If this mediocre crunchy thing is the last cookie I ever eat, I’m going to be super disappointed the whole nosedive down. Rating 4/10
Mother’s Circus Animal Cookies
White (mmm) + pink (meh) + sprinkles = these bags of addictive animal shaped cookies. Are these things still around? They taste like childhood to me, and I think that’s because I haven’t had them since then. All I remember is thinking that the pink ones tasted like mediocrity, but still devouring them in every handful. Rating: 5.4/10
Oatmeal Raisin
Look, these taste pretty good or whatever, but they’re just way in over their heads taking on the physical appearance of chocolate chip cookies and disappointing the world, one sweet tooth at a time. Rating: 7.8 (if you know it’s oatmeal raisin in advance) -452 (if you initially thought it was chocolate chip)
Girl Scout Cookies
Thin Mints and Samoas set the bar high, too high in fact, for most of us to ever consider any of the other options. Look, if I enter a room and there’s nothing but a box of Tagalongs or Trefoils sitting there, I’ll eat ‘em – but when you have the choice to acquire irresistible Thin Mints, or mouthgasm inducing Samoas, you just don’t pass that up. The only downside is that they are way overpriced. Those cookie pushing girl scouts know they’re the only ones with the goods, so they charge whatever they please. Does anyone know how to make these things? I need to find a professional who can create THE PUREST, MOST DELICIOUS Samoas, then I’ll sell them to my cookie desiring sources. It’ll be a partnership of sorts — Baking Bad, if you will. No? Okay, anyway: Rating: 9/10 
