Spring Broken: A Spring Break Itinerary For Adults

Day 1: DRINK! I mean, duh, it’s Spring Break! But let’s be realistic here. You’re not 20 anymore. Or 21. Or even 25. Let’s stop listing numbers, this is getting depressing. But just because you’re all grown up that doesn’t mean you can’t RAGE like you did when you were in college. You just have to make a few alterations. So wake up and celebrate Spring Break by CHUGGING an Activia yogurt. The speed of your gulping says “Wild and Crazy Guy,” but the probiotic bacteria says “I’m Sensible About the Need to Do Poops.” Better yet, shotgun that shit! Shake it up, then pop a hole in the bottom. Watch as most of it squirts onto your pajamas, lick some off with your finger, then go back to bed. Gotta save up your energy for the wild week to come. Spring Break!

Day 2: When your boss calls wondering why you didn’t come to work yesterday, yell “I don’t answer to you, Suit! I’m on vacation!” Hang up, realize what you’ve done, then immediately send an apology email saying you’ve come down with a terrible flu, mixed NyQuil and DayQuil, and think it might be causing minor hallucinations. Spell a few words wrong and sign the email “The Sun King” to suggest confusion and possible dementia. Tell him you’ll be in next week and BOOM, you’re officially on vacation. Google pizza places that deliver at 10am, then give up and go back to sleep. Fuck yeah!

In the afternoon, drink the one beer you find in the back of your fridge, then get a little naughty and go skinny dipping. In the SHOWER!

Day 3: Today you’re going to the beach! Put on your favorite board shorts, only to realize they’re too tight, accentuate the hell out of your pale skin, and no one wears board shorts anymore. Go to Target and remember they don’t sell bathing suits in March. Load up on Easter candy instead. Buy every variety of Creme Egg, as if there’s any difference. On the way home, listen to Gloria Estefan in the car. Feeling hot hot hot!

Day 4: Can you say Burn Notice marathon?! It’s set in Miami, so it’s basically like you’re on the beach, except wearing sweatpants and on a couch! Eat three bowls of Cocoa Pebbles. Apply suntan lotion. Fall asleep in bath.

Day 5: Realize that Spring Break is more than half over, and you still haven’t gotten totally bombed! Head to the store to load up on supplies. Put a blender, margarita mix, vodka, rum, beer, Triple Sec, and whiskey in your cart, then toss in a bottle of Blue Curacao even though you don’t really know what it is. Remember that hangovers have made you really sleepy the last few years, and kinda upset your tummy. Put back half the alcohol, grab a large container of TUMS, and load up on your more recent outlet for celebration: ridiculous snack food. Buy every product you can find that contains the words “Butterfinger” or “Gooey Cheese Crust.” Snag straw hat at checkout line that says, “Hangin’ Loose.” Because you are.

Day 6: Time to run some errands MUTHAFUCKA! Do all the stuff you don’t have time for when you’re working: get a haircut, drop-off dry cleaning, go-to-but-don’t-actually-use the gym, swing by IKEA and get picture frames for those prints you bought six months ago, then realize it’s happy hour. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!?! Time to go home and clean the bathroom! Sure, in college drinking Sex On The Beaches surrounded by people you might actually have sex on the beach with felt great, but over the last few years you’ve realized that nothing competes with that “My tub is sparkling clean and I don’t have to scrub it for at least two weeks” sensation. To simulate the Señor Frogs experience you remember, light a piña colada candle, put your arm around your tub while holding a red Solo cup and take a picture. Immediately post to Facebook.

Day 7: Whew! This has been quite a week. You’re totally exhausted so decide to turn in early. Sometimes it feels like you need a vacation to recover from the vacation, you know?! But you still have enough time to accomplish the one thing you wanted to before this crazy week began: getting your DVR’s memory under 60%. After catching up on The Americans and reminding yourself why you never liked Smash, you’ve done it, and it feels better than any flight to Cancun ever could. OK, not really, but it sounds good. Now, let’s save energy for next year…