If you’re one of those people who live on the internet (#guilty), you probably saw that viral video of Ellen Degeneres skewering BIC Pens for Women. It’s the critique of sexism that keeps on giving, and one of the most delightfully funny satires I’ve seen on TV. Because one good takedown deserves another, “users” of the Bic Pen for Women have been leaving some interesting reviews on the product’s Amazon page. These are the most hilarious responses from many months of their existence, in no particular order.
If you haven’t seen them yet, then prepare to experience all the giggles.
1. Tracy Hamilton: “FINALLY!”
“Someone has answered my gentle prayers and FINALLY designed a pen that I can use all month long! I use it when I’m swimming, riding a horse, walking on the beach and doing yoga. It’s comfortable, leak-proof, non-slip and it makes me feel so feminine and pretty! Since I’ve begun using these pens, men have found me more attractive and approachable. It has given me soft skin and manageable hair and it has really given me the self-esteem I needed to start a book club and flirt with the bag-boy at my local market. My drawings of kittens and ponies have improved, and now that I’m writing my last name hyphenated with the Robert Pattinson’s last name, I really believe he may someday marry me! I’m positively giddy. Those smart men in marketing have come up with a pen that my lady parts can really identify with.
Where has this pen been all my life?”
2. E. Bradley “Lucky Lady 1978”: “Ideal for A Variety of Feminine Writing
Tasks”
“I love BIC Cristal for Her! The delicate shape and pretty pastel colors make it perfect for writing recipe cards, checks to my psychologist (I’m seeing him for a case of the hysterics), and tracking my monthly cycle. Obviously, I don’t use it for vulgar endeavors like math or filling out a voter application, but BIC Cristal for Her is a lovely little writing utensil all the same. Ask your husband for some extra pocket money so you can buy one today!”
3. Breemeup: “I am writing this in the kitchen”
“Finally! For years I’ve had to rely on pencils, or at worst, a twig and some drops of my feminine blood to write down recipes (the only thing a lady should be writing ever). I had despaired of ever being able to write down said recipes in a permanent manner, though my men-folk assured me that I “shouldn’t worry yer pretty little head”. But, AT LAST! Bic, the great liberator, has released a womanly pen that my gentle baby hands can use without fear of unlady-like callouses and bruises. Thank you, Bic!”
4. KAV: “The pens don’t work for Math!”
“I am a female AP and Multivariable Calculus teacher and I prefer to use ink when solving problems. I guess, not surprisingly, these pens cannot be used to do math problems more complicated than 5th grade level. When trying to find a derivative or definite integral, the ball point simply stopped working. I went back and added some numbers and it was fine. I progressed up to solving quadratic equations and the ball point started to “stick” so that I couldn’t solve the problem completely. Imaginary numbers? HA! It was as if I had a pen with imaginary ink! As I moved into problems with Taylor Series, the pen started to get uncomfortably warm. By the time I tried to find the integral of a polar curve the pen burst into flames! I couldn’t believe it! Luckily, I had on asbestos gloves by that time so there were no injuries. I couldn’t even try it with a Multivariable problem!
I have decided to go back to using “man” ink for all future Calculus problems.
I did notice that the the purchase suggestion that comes with these pens is the recalled Talking Barbie that says, “Math class is tough!” Search for a video of that excellent product!”
5. Maria: “Destructive to our society”
“I must say I’m really disappointed that we gave women the power to write. Lately they’ve been thinking they can do things like vote, get jobs, and speak their minds! As if their opinions are worth as much as their husbands’ or something. Quite frankly, I miss the days when the women were at home knitting and cooking and raising the children — not writing. This pen is only aggravating a harmful situation that we ourselves brought upon our society.”
6. Suzanne C: “Grate procduct S 5tars! but #need a k3ybrd 4 grls PLZ!”
“I was so tirwd of writimg with penz meant for men and finall7 someone made thi5 proct8… damm!t!! This stupid keybrd is clearly$ made 4 guys I can”t work the ke7s rught with my delicat2 lady finger5 why won”T Bic make a comuputer keyb4rd for wom3yn? Shoot. I giv up!@!!”
7. Kt42: “Warning – packaging flaw”
“Sister girlfriends, I was so excited about these pens until I tried opening the package. I darn near had a breakdown struggling with that thick cardboard and plastic! I would have used scissors, but I lost my only female pair (you know, the ones that cut cute zigzags), and I couldn’t figure out how to work my husband’s.
What’s the point in making pens for women if it takes a brawny set of man hands to open the package?
I learned the hard way that the following are ineffective ways of opening the package:
- stomping on it with my stiletto
- melting the plastic with a curling iron
- loosening it with baking grease
- shaking it while crying uncontrollably
Learn from my mistakes, ladies!”
8. Ray Couch: “Pens aren’t for women”
“I am so amazed that BIC is making this. The last thing we need are women writers. Pens were made for men. Hell, we’re the ones with a PENis. If a woman has something to say, tell a man, if its important enough to remember, we will write it down for you. That’s the way its always been, and that’s the way it should stay.”
9. Simon Belmont: “Caveat Emptor!”
“I purchased a set of Bic LadyPens for one of my wives (the one who knows how to write), using my own funds. (This should not come as a surprise, as women should not be allowed to come into contact with currency; their menstrual cycles will curse it and make it lose value, much as these cycles will cause wine to sour.) However, I found that, when given these pens, she began writing more frequently and more fervently. Soon, she was corresponding with other women (via the Postal Service, which, unbeknownst to me, now also accepts pieces of mail from women). Gradually, more and more radical ideas entered her mind. Sure, it started with her asking for simple things like a mortar and pestle (until now, my wives had ground spices with their knuckles), but before I knew it she was demanding to be shod! I blame the pens — clearly they were the catalyst for her awakening! I am currently away on business (I will be delivering an address to a large convention in Tampa this week), and I am honestly quite vexed about the state of my homestead upon returning!”
10.JAK in WDC: “At last!”
“I am a woman and a blonde, so you can imagine how hard it has been for me to use a pen. I would write and write and have nothing to show for it until a nice man would come by and turn the pen around in my hand so the ink thingy part was on the paper. I just know that with these pens made just for us girls I can finally just pick up a pen and write all on my own. A girl can dream, can’t she?” 
