5 Signs They’re Not Soulmate Material (& Never Going To Commit)
You might not want to read this… but you NEED to. Sabrina Bendory, renowned relationship expert and best-selling author of Detached: How To Let Go, Heal, and Become Irresistible, outlines five true signs they’re never going to commit to you, so it’s probably time to say goodbye.
Is he serious about me? Does he really like me? Will he ever commit to me?
Trust me, I’ve experienced those gut-twisting feelings, the ones that leave you with a constant sense of impending doom in the pit of your stomach causing you to question everything, including yourself.
It’s understandable. There is a lot at stake when you put your heart on the line and you can end up wasting months, or years, of your life on a man who never intended to keep you around for the long haul. And the aftermath of these situations is never pretty.
So what can we do to spare ourselves the time, energy, and heartbreak that goes into determining how a man feels?
After giving this topic a lot of thought and interviewing countless guys, I’ve uncovered five telltale signs that he isn’t going to commit to you… not now, not ever.
1. You Don’t Know Anything Real About Him
You can talk to someone for hours and hours every day and not know anything real about him. You might know details about his life, but you don’t know who he really is, his real and true self that exists beneath all the superficial fluff.
I’ll use myself as an example.
Let’s say I was out with a guy and he asked me what I did for a living. My basic answer would be that I write about relationships. That’s something that I tell anyone I meet who asks me what I do. Now if they ask why I chose this as a profession, I’d say that I like it, it’s fun, and I’m good at it.
Now let’s go a layer deeper. Why do I write about relationships? Well, I studied psychology in college and I’ve always been interested in human behavior and fascinated by the dynamics of relationships.
And now a level deeper…
I write about relationships because I want to help people, and I have a vested interest in helping girls heal from heartbreak.
And now a level deeper…
I’ve been hurt by men in my life—I’ve really had my heart annihilated—and writing about relationships is cathartic. It has helped me heal from my own pain, and I’ve been able to help a lot of other women in the process.
Anyone can know I write about relationships, but when talking about why I do, there are many levels that go far beyond the first superficial answer.
I used this example to illustrate a larger point: there is knowing someone, and there is knowing someone.
When a guy opens up to you, when he shares his dreams, his fears, his hopes, his wishes, his motivations, etc., he is investing in you. By investing in you, he is committing himself to you. Maybe you’re not official, maybe you haven’t said “I Love You,” maybe he isn’t proposing, but he’s still committed.
We don’t share ourselves with just anyone. Most of us have been burned badly enough in our lives to learn to be selective about the people we open up to.
Opening ourselves up comes with big risks. We become vulnerable and we also feel closer and more connected to the person we’ve revealed ourselves to.
If a guy doesn’t share his true self with you, if he won’t let you see who he is at his core, the chances are high that he’s not in it for the long haul and doesn’t see a future with you. Or maybe he has serious commitment issues and just can’t open up, and while that is very sad for him, it’s not really your job to fix him. And unfortunately, that’s what most women do and the consequences are devastating.
If you’re really unsure about whether or not a guy is serious about you, take a look at the things you know about him and ask yourself if you really know who he is. Don’t panic if you don’t know the real stuff yet—we’ll talk about how to create a deep emotional connection a little later!
2. He Disappears For Days Or Weeks At A Time, Then Acts Like It’s No Big Deal
If a guy truly cares about you, he will want to make room for you in his life. Even if he has a lot going on and won’t be available for a few days, he’ll send a text or message to let you know he’s thinking about you.
If he takes vacations from the relationship with no warning it means he isn’t worried about losing you, and this is never a good sign. If a guy knows for certain that you’ll always be there waiting in the wings, no matter how badly he behaves, he won’t respect you and he definitely won’t want to commit to you—why should he when he knows he doesn’t have to? There would be absolutely no benefit for him.
His disappearing acts serve more as a way to let you know this relationship isn’t serious and he is still free to do what he wants. It’s his way of letting you know that you aren’t a deciding factor in where he goes and what he does. Men typically communicate through actions more than words, so his behavior is telling you exactly where he stands.
3. He Tells You He Doesn’t Want A Relationship
This seems like an obvious one, but unfortunately, it’s not! In fact, I think the most common relationship in this day and age is the non-relationship, or the situationship, when you’re dating a guy and you’re basically boyfriend/girlfriend aside from the fact that you’re not.
The simple truth is this: when a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, what he’s really saying is he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
I know you think you’re the exception and your situation is different. I’ve been there and I’m telling you, you’re not and it isn’t. You’re like every other girl in a non-relationship. You’re a great girl who maybe sold herself a little short and is in a situation where the guy calls all the shots and is just taking you along for the ride as you sit patiently in the back seat, waiting for him to decide if you’re “good enough.”
If he tells you he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, or he has “commitment issues,” or hates labels, just take it at face value, do yourself a favor, and move on. Trust me, if he really likes you he won’t let you go so easily. And if he does let you go… he just was never invested enough in the first place, and that’s not a loss.
4. He Doesn’t Take You On Real Dates
If your dates consist of you going over to his place and watching a movie or you cooking for him, then he isn’t taking you or the relationship very seriously.
When a guy is invested in you and cares about you, he wants to go out of his way to impress you and show you he cares. I know most women don’t feel this way but trust me, when a guy likes you, it’s obvious.
If he puts in the bare minimum when it comes to dates it means he doesn’t feel like you’re worth the effort. Are there exceptions? Sometimes. But even if a guy is jobless and broke and doesn’t have the money to take you out, he’ll find some sort of cheap and creative way to show you he cares.
When a guy cares about a woman and sees a future with her, he wants to bring her into his world as much as possible. He wants to introduce her to the things he likes: movies, music, books, hobbies. These aren’t things that require much of a financial investment but they speak volumes about his level of emotional investment.
If you’re the only one making the effort to keep the spark alive and do special things, it’s a sign that he isn’t very invested in you.
5. He Won’t Introduce You To His Family
A lot of women make the mistake of thinking that meeting a guy’s friends is a big deal. Maybe some guys view this as a big deal, but most don’t. Maybe he just wants to show you off because you’re hot, or maybe he just doesn’t think much of introducing girls to his friends. I have plenty of friends and clients who looked at meeting his friends as the Holy Grail…the telltale sign that he’s all in, he’s committed. It’s not. Meeting his family is where it’s at. (Side note: while meeting his friends isn’t the biggest deal, if he won’t introduce you to them it’s a definite red flag.)
When you’re in a relationship, talk of meeting the family should come up. Maybe you don’t meet them right away, but he should give you some sort of indication that it’s on the horizon. At the very least, he should let you know that his family is aware of your existence.
If he doesn’t talk about his family, or changes the subject anytime you bring them up, it’s a sign that he has no intention of making the introduction.
As I mentioned earlier, when a man is serious about a woman, he brings her into his world. By keeping you away from his family, he’s essentially saying he doesn’t see you being in his world for the long run.
I should point out that there are guys who introduce almost every girl they date to their families and don’t really see it as a big deal…and maybe their families are used to this revolving door of girlfriends. However, if he’s serious about you, he will take this meeting a little more seriously than he has in the past. He’ll be excited, and maybe a little nervous about you meeting them because he really wants them to like you, and for you to like them. If he doesn’t really seem to care, then even if he does introduce you to them it’s a sign he isn’t fully invested in having a future with you.
