6 Times That The ‘Jurassic Park’ Dinosaurs Definitely Ate The Right Person 

Sometimes, evolution gets it right. Animals develop adaptations that protect them as a species. Plants gain the ability to point at the sun. Dinosaurs in Jurassic Park movies eat exactly the right people. 

Look, I’m not advocating for the planet-wide demise of humans at the hands of unethically revived prehistoric creatures. I’m just saying that life finds a way, and that sometimes this manifests itself as a massive, angry dinosaur disemboweling a detestable person who deserved it. Now, if that were to also happen to, say, the handful of billionaires who are single-handedly destroying our planet while simultaneously building state-of-the-art bunkers to insulate themselves from climate change, I wouldn’t not thank the dinosaur.

But alas, my vision for Earth’s billionaires may never come to fruition, and what we have instead is a series of movies that pick off fictional selfish and/or capitalist monsters. On that note, here are six times when the dinosaurs of the Jurassic Park franchise ate exactly the right people.

1. Donald Gennaro in Jurassic Park (1993)

I like to credit movies from the ‘80s and ‘90s for establishing my lifelong distrust of lawyers. Jurassic Park is no exception. When the movie’s T. Rex breaks out of its paddock, the greedy and self-absorbed Gennaro flees for cover instead of helping two children who are trapped in the car. He gets what’s coming to him, though, when Queen T barges into his stall and swallows him whole while he’s on the toilet. It’s humiliating, horrifying, and exactly what the character deserves. He came to the park for profits and ended up squarely in the red.

2. Peter Ludlow in The Lost World (1997)

Profit-loving corporate suits are consistently loathsome in the Jurassic universe, which is ironic considering how much the producers of this franchise value money over quality. Nevertheless, Peter Ludlow – the corporate suit of Lost World – meets a fate worthy of his kind. Blinded by the dollar signs in his eyes, he attempts to bring a male T. rex and its baby to the San Diego Zoo, ignoring every warning in the process. When he’s finally cornered by the dino duo, the T. Rex dad gives his kid the most important lesson of his life: How to Eat Rich Guys 101. Is T. Rex anti-capitalist? 

3. Vic Hoskins in Jurassic World (2015)

Anyone who looks at a living being and thinks, “This would make a good weapon” is already in ethically grey territory. I know I just described every military leader ever, but we’re not arguing semantics here. We’re talking about Reptile Daddies eating Morally Indefensible Bro Daddies, and that’s exactly what happens in Jurassic World when Vic Hoskins tries to weaponize Velociraptors and ends up getting torn apart by one.

4. Ken Wheatley in Fallen Kingdom (2018)

A wolf dressed in safari-chic clothing. As if it weren’t enough to hunt dinos for profit, Wheatley also toys with them and yanks out their teeth as trophies. But later, one of Wheatley’s tranquilization efforts goes awry and a genetically-modified Indoraptor bites his arm off … and his leg, and his head… And we all morbidly cheered.

5. Eli Mills in Fallen Kingdom (2018)

Another corporate egomaniac (gasp!), Mills makes his living from selling dinos to oligarchs and arms dealers. He’s also devoid of any recognizable values, and manipulates Claire and Owen into unknowingly wreaking havoc with him. However, since Blue the Velociraptor is the unlikely hero of the Jurassic franchise by the time of Fallen Kingdom, he helps capture Mills and hands him over to the Indoraptor to finish the job. Sad! ….Not.

6. Lewis Dodgson in Dominion (2022)

Dodgson’s reappearance and subsequent demise in Dominion were meant to be seen as an incredible, world-shattering callback, despite the fact that no one could remember who tf he was. Still, Dodgson was the man who originally handed Dennis Nedry that infamous Barbasol can in Jurassic Park, and in Dominion, he had become yet another CEO devoid of humanity. (Have Jurassic writers ever met other types of humans?) Anyway, towards the end of the movie, when Dodgson becomes cornered and subsequently sampled by three Dilophosauruses – the same dinos that killed Nedry – it feels like poetry.