7 Deaths In ‘Final Destination Bloodlines’ Ranked By How Final Destination They Are

Death comes for us all … unless you’re a character in the Final Destination franchise.

In that case, it comes for you twice – first in an early movie premonition and next in a freakishly complex series of events with deep notes of irony. As for why Death is somehow both a brilliant, exacting genius and a clumsy buffoon who accidentally bestows helpful premonitions upon select people, allowing them to temporarily escape it, your guess is as good as mine. I like to think of Death as the President — It can’t keep its mouth shut, and must brag to someone about its plans before carrying them out. The difference is that Death has good plans. 

Speaking of Death’s plan, Final Destination Bloodlines is finally available for rent on digital platforms, which means it’s time to behold its new crop of byzantine death sequences (if you haven’t already). To herald the release, let’s rank the movie’s main deaths by ascending Final Destination-ness.

7. Darlene

Cause of death: Wooden post and gravity

Final Destination-ness: 2 out of 10 logs to the face

Rationale: This death is rather emotional, making it stand out from other Final Destination fates. Darlene has finally reconnected with her children and has just apparently saved them, and her son feels closer to her than ever. However, this is still a Final Destination film, and Darlene, despite having survived an explosion moments prior, is suddenly crushed by a falling post. It’s a surprise, sure, but it’s also a bit uninspired due to the lack of irony or foreshadowing involved. Make us snicker a bit, Death!

6. Stefani & Charlie 

Cause of death: Literal logs to the face

Final Destination-ness: Somehow, only 4 out of 10 logs to the face

Rationale: The sequence leading up to this death is not very convoluted (read: Final Destination-y), but it does cleverly involve a stray coin, like the film’s first premonition. There’s also a moment just after a log-carrying train stops inches away from Stefani and Charlie in which the audience can breathe a sigh of relief. Then the logs fall and they die. That timing is Final Destination-y, and so is the presence of logs, but ultimately, this overall death sequence is too abrupt to rank higher on this list.

5. Howard

Cause of death: Head meets lawnmower 

Final Destination-ness: 5 out of 10 logs to the face

Rationale: There are so many misdirects and possible causes of death in this scene, rendering the whole sequence instantly iconic. But we saw the whole thing in trailers before the movie came out.

4. Iris

Cause of death: Kiss of the weathervane 

Final Destination-ness: 6 out of 10 logs to the face

Rationale: This one gets several points for gore, but it’s also suffused with ironic poetry. The death happens exactly how Iris predicted it in her notebook: Foreboding wind whips up smoke signals; a loose weathervane tumbles onto a fire extinguisher and immediately bodies her. In addition to being a callback to her very first premonition in Skyview Tower (in which she was similarly impaled), it triggers the sequence of familial deaths that comprise the rest of the movie.

3. Julia

Cause of death: Overly zealous trash compactor 

Final Destination-ness: 7 out of 10 logs to the face

Rationale: Julia’s demise is darkly comic, thanks to the fact that it perfectly follows Stefani’s prediction from moments before. It also happens in the background, lending it a shade of situational physical comedy. Then you add the cartoonish gore of the death itself, and just like that this death is feeding the children.

2. Bobby

Cause of death: Revenge of the vending machine

Final Destination-ness: 8 out of 10 logs to the face

Rationale: This has all the hallmarks of a quintessential FD moment. There are multiple fakeouts, such as when Bobby saves himself with an Epipen in the nick of time and when he barely avoids getting skewered by several sharp flying metal objects. But Death is an evil genius and ultimately delivers the final blow via a spring from the vending machine that Bobby was fighting with just minutes prior. Magnetized by a malfunctioning MRI, the spring becomes quickly and gorily acquainted with Bobby’s brain. It’s horrifying and out of left field, and exactly why we watch these movies.

1. Erik

Cause of death: Magnetized nipple piercings; magnetized Prince Albert; a wheelchair defying gravity 

Final Destination-ness: 10 out of 10 logs to the face

Rationale: Erik wasn’t even meant to die! After all, he wasn’t a part of the doomed main bloodline like his other half-relatives. And yet, he tried to derail Death’s design by saving Bobby, and thus found himself pinned (and ultimately impaled) by a flying wheelchair. It’s grimly clever and excruciating to watch, and won’t be easily forgotten. Four for you, Death! You go, Death! (…I say, as I turn off all appliances in my apartment so as not to start a chain of events that dismembers me.)