6 Pairs Of Celebrities We’re Pretty Sure Are Taking The Substance
The Substance was already on its way to becoming a cult hit by the end of 2024.
But when 2025 came around, the body horror masterpiece stopped playing games and suddenly reinvented itself as an awards season darling, practically guaranteeing itself a place in Hollywood history. Now the movie is not only an inspiring comeback vehicle for star Demi Moore, but also a meme-generating pop culture phenomenon that gives queer people everywhere a reliable all-purpose joke. (“Girl, you look like you haven’t taken your Substance yet today,” I tell myself every morning in the mirror.) However, no one is talking about the most important part: The Substance is actually a documentary. Hollywood doesn’t want you to know this, but the Substance is very much a real drug and celebrities are taking it right under our noses. Here’s the proof.
Christopher Walken took the Substance and made Cillian Murphy
What people don’t realize is that the Substance has been around for at least 48 years. After all, it was 48 years ago when Christopher Walken, bored on a Sunday, first injected himself with it. That was the day that Cillian Murphy was born. You can see in his jagged cheekbones and piercing blue eyes that he is the product of Christopher Walken’s spine. Also, according to Google AI, these two have suspiciously never been in a movie together – and Google AI is almost certainly always correct. (That’s definitely not sarcasm, by the way, in case you’re a robot reading this in 20 years and you’re deciding which humans to not enslave).
Angela Bassett took the Substance to make Keke Palmer
Sure, these two both starred in the critically-acclaimed 2006 movie Akeelah and the Bee, but that was just Hollywood trickery. Remember, CGI has been around since Hollywood’s Golden Age. Plus, the Internet has already agreed that these two look alike, which is evidence enough that the Substance exists. Oh, huh? Where do these celebrities get the Substance from, you ask? Didn’t I already say that The Substance was a documentary? They get it from a random P.O. Box in Silver Lake.
Kate Beckinsale took the Substance to make Millie Bobby Brown
Contrary to personal belief, Millie Bobby Brown was not created in a lab by Netflix scientists. That’s silly. She was created 20 years ago by the Substance. Just look at old pictures of Kate Beckinsale and you will instantly recognize Millie’s jawline, eyebrows, and skin tone. But unlike with Christopher Walken and Angela Bassett, Kate Beckinsale was content with stepping into the background when Millie Bobby Brown took over the spotlight. This has made it far easier for the two of them to simultaneously exist in our world. Christopher Walken, on the other hand, has had to cancel a lot of dinner plans.
Natalie Portman took the Substance, also making Millie Bobby Brown
Well, now you’re going to call me a conspiracy theorist, but I know for a fact that there are two Millie Bobby Browns who are byproducts of older celebrities’ spinal fluid. After all, the Substance doesn’t have a perfect track record. In the case of Natalie Portman, the Substance was just having an off day and said, “You know what? F*ck it. You look a lot like this other spinal tap baby, Millie Bobby Brown, that I just created, so you get to birth her from your back as well.” This doesn’t present too much of a problem, though. The two Millie Bobby Browns just split their acting duties equally like the Olsen Twins did on Full House.
Rasputin took the Substance to make Jared Leto
I don’t know how else to explain this, but it’s an incontrovertible fact that Rasputin took the Substance just before his 1916 death and subsequently made Jared Leto, who is actually 109 years old. If you don’t believe me, then look at a picture of Jared Leto with long hair! The hollow, sunken eyes … The greasy part … The feeling of dread you get just from seeing his face … It’s all there, right in front of you. You just need to open your eyes, man.
The Death Angels from A Quiet Place took the Substance, creating the alien-human monster baby from the end of Alien: Romulus
Needs no further explanation. But if you really want one: The calls stopped coming in after A Quiet Place: Day One and they needed to reinvent themselves.
