Let’s call it like it is: we are navigating a fucked-up dating scene, and it’s not just because of dating apps. It’s because the men we want to date are both terrified of commitment but still want to enjoy the benefits of a relationship without ever labeling it as one.
He wants the attention, the physical intimacy, the advice, the loyalty, the fun, the emotional closeness, the late-night chats, and the support, so long as there are no strings attached and he can still act like the single guy he technically is at the bar.
If this sounds like a shitty deal, it’s because it is and no woman in her right mind would agree to that kind of arrangement. But this isn’t what he presents to you. Instead, he’ll say something like, “I’m not ready for a relationship now, but I like where we are at!”
When you hear this, it sounds like reassurance. He implies his lack of commitment is not about his feelings for you, but rather a matter of timing and readiness.
So you give him the time you think he needs. You wait. You grow closer. You spend every Saturday night at his apartment. You cook him scrambled eggs in the morning and learn about his life. You meet his friends. You confide in him. You help him with his laundry. You create inside jokes. You fall for him.
But then it’s been three months and he has yet to call you his girlfriend. For another week, you continue to spend the night, you help him clean his room, and you offer to drop him off at the bar with his friends.
Finally, when you can’t stand the ambiguity anymore, you ask him what you two are. “I thought you knew what this was,” he might say. And at that moment, you finally realize what you took as reassurance in the beginning was actually a warning.
Because what he really meant when he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship was that he didn’t want a relationship with you.
You walk away. And then, two weeks later, he commits to someone else. It hurts like hell. You might berate yourself for feeling as though you wasted your heart on him, for doing so much, for not seeing him for who he was. But you need to be gentle with yourself because there’s nothing honest about a situationship. It’s misleading by design.
While it takes time for someone to know if they want to commit to you and vice versa, it shouldn’t take months for them to figure it out. Indecision is a decision. And if you know what you want and they don’t, you know what you need to do.
If he won’t commit to you, commit to yourself. If he won’t choose you, choose yourself. If he won’t move forward with your relationship, move on without him. You deserve better. Stop doing wifey shit for a man who won’t even call you his girlfriend. It’s not worth it.
