Getting Over Limerence: The Ultimate Guide

Here is everything you need to know about getting over limerence, a mental state of romantic obsession and acute longing for another person that can lead to an intense emotional roller coaster for the person experiencing it.

What Is Limerence?

First, knowing exactly what limerence is can help you understand how to break free from it.

Limerence is a term first coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, and it describes the experience of intense longing for another person, often without those romantic feelings being returned. Someone in a limerent state essentially becomes infatuated with another person, their desire completely taking over their thoughts, feelings, and behavior. It is obsessive longing and it can be a great feeling (but it can also cause intense emotional problems and self-esteem issues).

When it comes to the relationship dynamic, limerence involves the person in limerence (“the limerent”) and the person they want (“the object of limerence” or “limerent object”).

Signs Of Limerence

Individual experiences of limerence will vary from person to person but some potential signs you’re experiencing limerence can include:

• Obsessive thoughts about the object of limerence: A limerent person’s thoughts
• A strong desire for the limerent object (whether there are signs of reciprocation of those feelings or not)
• Idealization of the limerent object: You will find the person you’re in limerence with to be utterly and completely perfect. You will place them on a pedestal and
• Emotional turmoil: When someone is experiencing limerence, they are overwhelmed by its emotional rollercoaster. Limerence can come with extreme highs, but mostly it involves deep lows including intense anxiety and profound feelings of self-doubt in the limerent individual.
• Intense fear of rejection from the person you’re in limerence with
• Intrusive thoughts about the limerent object: If you’re in limerence, you feel as though you won’t be able to escape thoughts of your object of affection. Everything will seem to remind you of them, even if it is the loosest of associations.
• Mood swings based on your interactions with the limerent object: Whether the interaction is negative or positive can greatly impact your mood. For example, an instance of emotional reciprocation from your limerent object can send you into euphoria while an undesired interaction or lack of contact could cause you to go into a deep state of depression.

If someone is in limerence, the symptoms of their limerent experience will have a profound impact on their daily life including their social life, their job, and their mental health.

Causes Of Limerence

There are various reasons why someone may fall into the experience of limerence. For example: 

• Low self-esteem
• Attachment style (For example, an insecure attachment style, particularly an anxious attachment style, has a lot of overlap with the experience of being in limerence)
• Biological factors
• Trauma

How To Get Over Limerence: 4 Helpful Strategies

The good news about getting over limerence is that it is entirely possible. Here are a few practical steps for making the healing process from limerence a little easier:

1. Work on your attachment wounds

Again, attachment issues, such as an anxious attachment style, can lead to a tendency towards limerence. Learning more about your attachment style and how it impacts your relationships can help you with limerence, especially if you fall into it often.

2. Improve your relationship with yourself

Working on self-love is imperative to moving on from limerence because, at its core, limerence isn’t about the person you’re chasing. It’s about you and how you feel about yourself.

Some ways you can improve your relationship with yourself includes: 

• Focusing on self-care
• Pursuing personal growth
• Spending time with people who love you for you
• Validating yourself
• Practicing mindfulness
• Building self-awareness

3. Seek emotional support from loved ones

For example, talk to a family member or close friend about what’s going on can not only help you feel less alone, it can ultimately help you become closer with your friends and family and improve your relationships with them.

4. See a therapist

Therapy can be a helpful resource for someone who is having an especially hard time moving on from limerence. A mental health professional can help you with strategies such as cognitive restructuring which can help you reroute your limerent thoughts and get back to healthier mindset (and have a healthier love life as a result). Some types of therapy you could consider includes cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), commitment therapy, or schema therapy.

***

Limerence is a complex emotional state that can cause an immense amount of pain and disruption to your life. The first step to healing from limerence is to admit you’re experiencing it in the first place. From there, you can begin to let go. You deserve genuine love and a healthy relationship. Never forget that.