Why Men Love “Selfish” High-Value Women—And How You Can Become One In Your Dating Life

Have you ever wondered why men never pick the “pick-me” women that center them and instead choose to pursue the women who are indifferent to their existence? They may swear up and down they want a docile “sweet” woman who tends to their every need—yet you see them pursuing or obsessing over the so-called high-maintenance woman who is “mean” to them or leave the “nice girl” for the “bad girl” who simply gives zero fucks. These types of men call such women by many names— “selfish,” “high-maintenance,” “mean,” yet these are the same types of women they obsess over at the end of the day. Here are the main reasons behind this phenomenon, and why you may want to become a “selfish” woman in your dating life too.

“Selfish” women are not truly selfish—they are simply self-focused and put themselves first in a society that teaches them to shrink. This triggers a man’s need for validation and triggers his need to “hunt.”

Most men instinctively love the chase and the pursuit of their romantic prospects. They get bored by pick-me women who serve themselves up on a silver platter with easy access. A woman deemed “selfish” by a man isn’t usually really selfish. She doesn’t lack empathy nor is she cruel. She just treats herself the way men always treat themselves — by prioritizing herself, her own dreams, her own goals, her own needs, and her own desires over relationships that could detract from her full potential. As a result, she has no need to be committed to a man unless he brings substantial value to her life or makes life easier for her. She restricts access to herself and her life only to men she takes seriously and who prove themselves to be worthy of her. This gives her an alluring magnetism because she is unwilling to budge on her standards and boundaries just to say she “has a man.”

To a high-value woman, having a man is just a stressor that will potentially interfere with an already fulfilled life. It is a liability—not a benefit, unless she is dealing with a man truly worthy of her. Thus, a man has to impress her to stay part of her life or get left.

This is not a woman you seek unconditional love from—she can give you heaven or hell, depending on what you bring to her, and she won’t give you the wife or girlfriend experience at a discounted rate—she won’t negotiate her standards just so you can get a bargain. This means the men she’s dating get away with far less bullshit and have to bring their A game, because she won’t be present unless she’s also benefiting. Because men are used to having women strive to please them and center them without getting anything in return, they’re thrown off by unpredictable, self-focused women who put their own needs first. They have a need to “tame” her and to “own” the “selfish” woman, show her he is valuable enough to be chosen by such a woman because women who value themselves and put themselves first show by example how they expect to be treated. Some men will never admit how much they desire these types of women because they want to protect their egos, but it is a hundred percent true, and the fact that they complain about this type of woman to the end of time only showcases this.

The idea of a “selfish” woman is also enticing to men because a woman like that is never going to be boring and is never going to settle down for him. She has her own exciting and fulfilling life that has nothing to do with him. Unlike the pick-me woman who is going overboard trying to cook, clean, and spoil her way into his heart, he must “hunt” the “selfish” woman and seduce her to even get an ounce of her focus. A selfish woman must be pleased — she doesn’t go out of her way to please the man she’s with. She has a checklist and vetting criteria for who she allows into her life. Any man who wants to be chosen for the right reasons will appreciate this, and gladly participate in courting her properly, knowing he must provide to her pleasure and relief for her to even entertain his existence. Some men may date or even marry a “nice girl” who does everything to please him, but it is the selfish woman he thinks about as the woman who “got away.” These women are more memorable because he had to put in effort to convince her he was even worthy of an iota of her attention and time.

These women are not easily impressed. He must wine and dine her. He must have a riveting intellect and the ability to have engaging conversations in order to fully stimulate her, because she’s easily bored by partners who bring nothing beyond surface-level attraction (although she’ll also take attraction seriously and never settle for anyone she doesn’t desire). He must actually have top tier lovemaking skills, because she won’t be faking her orgasms. He must come correct, because she’s willing to cut him off at the first red flag. So-called “selfish” women are boundaried women and they won’t put up with bullshit or con artistry. He may vent about this type of woman, but it subconsciously raises his respect for her and her value in his eyes. That is why the pick-me woman who settles for cheap low effort coffee dates and showers a man with sex, gifts, and domestic labor out of “love” never benefits — it is the “selfish” woman who is accustomed to being taken out to dinner, who is considered “high-maintenance” and unattainable, who makes a man work for her attention, who ultimately receives princess and queen treatment.

Knowing this, do yourself a favor and do not be a pick-me woman in today’s society. Do not settle for cheap, low-effort dates by men who do not take you seriously, or toxic relationships just to say you have a relationship. Do not minimize or rationalize the red flags in hopes of being “chosen.” Choose yourself. Do not try to please a man who does not try to please you. Do not be the “cool girl” while bottling up resentment and tolerating anyone’s red flags.  It does not and will never serve you. If you’re going to be anything — be a “selfish” woman. Prioritize yourself. Put your own needs first. In a society that does not care about your needs, make sure you do.

A “selfish” woman is deemed a “dangerous” woman — and dangerous, feisty women are inherently more exciting, inspiring both fear and awe. Men are afraid to lose the “selfish” woman because she is not afraid to lose them.

“Bad girls,” or women who do not conform to the traditional ideals of being “the good girl” inspire both fear and excitement in men. They are the black cats of the dating world, taking time to pamper themselves and expecting to be pampered—and hissing at any man who tries to get in their way or tries to pet them when they’re not in the mood. They come and go as they please. What will they do next? You never know what they’re really up to. One day, they’re traveling the world with their friends. The next, they’re leading a company. And another day, they may be burying a body—just kidding about this last part, of course. But they sure do they have that je ne sais quoi and femme fatale energy that would make you believe they could do all three, if needed. Women like this inspire fear and cause the power dynamic to shift. Men fear losing this type of woman, rather than the other way around, because they know these women are not afraid to lose them—they’re booked and busy, and they don’t have time or patience for mind games.

These are the women who cannot be silenced, controlled, or micromanaged. They fight back and they won’t show mercy or compassion to anyone who’s done them wrong—including any man they’re dating. Of course, your average man will be overly simplistic and connect this feistiness to her sexuality, but her feistiness goes way beyond that. Interestingly, some men simultaneously are enraged by women they deem “bad girls” like this because he can easily imagine her sleeping around and dating multiple men and having the time of her life without him— men who are not him, men who represent a masculine ideal he may fall short of. This infuriates men who fall below her standards, especially if he has misogynistic tendencies and feels entitled to “possessing” such a woman. He resents her, but he also desires her. Getting the “high-maintenance” selfish woman every other man desires is a “trophy” for him and his ego.

“Selfish” women have emotional control and are taken more seriously.

By emotional control, I don’t mean a woman who suppresses her emotions in an unhealthy way or tries to stifle her true feelings just to make a man comfortable. I mean a woman who doesn’t allow her emotions for any man to bypass her own sense of safety, comfort, and pleasure. She speaks out when she wants to. She does not “perform” for a man or pretend. She focuses on what she wants and needs and fills her own cup first before tending to anyone else. This is “unheard of” for women because they are conditioned to do everything but. A woman with emotional control is someone who is not afraid to hold a man accountable makes a man terrified and intrigued. Why doesn’t this woman want him or fear losing him?

These types of women fear losing themselves and abandoning themselves exponentially far more than ever losing a man.

To them, lowering their standards for a lackluster man who doesn’t meet their needs feels violating and appalling. Just like men don’t like to settle below their “standards” when it comes to relationships and dating, this type of woman takes her desires and needs very seriously. If she’s looking for a 6’1 financially stable, faithful, and emotionally validating man with a provider mentality who’s good in bed, that’s exactly who she’ll go for and she will cut off anyone who doesn’t meet this criteria — with no apologies. The same misogynists who tell her she should settle for them are the same ones who regularly try to pursue women they desire. But how dare beautiful, smart, funny, interesting, successful women who actually bring a lot to the table themselves not want to settle for less than their desires and preferences and settle for just any man? The horror!

To be deemed a “selfish” woman in today’s society can be quite the compliment, if you know yourself. It’s not about being cruel, or callous, or unempathic. It’s about valuing yourself in a society that wants to keep you small. The next time you’re called selfish by a toxic man for setting healthy boundaries or keeping to your standards, don’t forget to be gracious and say, “Why, thank you.”