17. ‘I’d had doubts about our relationship for a long time before we got married, and afterwards, they just grew stronger.’
“I started dating my high-school sweetheart when we were both 16.
We moved in together when we were 19, because that’s what you do when you’ve been in a relationship that long.
We got engaged when we were 20 because that’s what you do when you’ve been together for four years.
We got married at 21 because that’s what you do once you’re engaged for a while.
I’d had doubts about our relationship for a long time before we got married, and afterwards, they just grew stronger. ‘Why am I with this guy who is so different than me in every way—cleanliness, attitude toward finances, politics, acceptance of other cultures, ways of showing affection?’ But I told myself that he was probably the best fit for me, and hey, we already lived together, and our families liked each other, and whatever, too much effort to give up now.
Then I became best friends with my coworker. He complemented me in every way, and treated me so well. One night, I drunkenly texted him and admitted I had a crush on him, and he told me he had a crush on me, too.
We tried to stay friends because neither one of us wanted to ruin my marriage, and I still believed I was in love with my husband. It didn’t work. We flirted for months (occasionally telling ourselves we had to stop, and achieving that for a day or two). We fell in love and couldn’t stand to be apart from each other.
I told myself I was still in love with my husband, but I was also in love with my coworker. Eventually, my will power broke down and I slept with him.
After that, it didn’t take long for my marriage to fall apart. My husband moved 200 miles away for a job, which, of course, made my affair much easier to carry on. My husband and I kept drifting further and further apart, until I finally told him I wanted a divorce after less than six months of marriage.
I’ve never admitted to my ex-husband that I cheated on him, even though he assumes so. I’m actually married to the man I cheated with, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been before.
I’m don’t regret marrying my first husband, because it smashed a lot of my ideals on what a marriage entailed.
I don’t regret getting with my current husband, because I do feel we are very well matched and I love him much more than I ever loved my ex.
I do regret having cheated. I wish I had finished one relationship before starting another. I constantly think of the phrase ‘once a cheater, always a cheater,’ and it tears me apart because I know I’m capable of doing such an awful thing. But I simply remind myself that everyone fucks up sometimes, and people are capable of changing.”
18. ‘I wasn’t clear what our relationship boundaries were.’
“I wasn’t clear what our relationship boundaries were. He was adamant that we weren’t dating, but we still exchanged ‘I love yous’ and essentially lived together.
He was very new age, had talked about previous open relationships, and generally spoke in vague terms.
We were briefly long distance at the start of our relationship (so not many people knew we were together) and a friend kissed me. I panicked, called my SO and told him, and he responded nonchalantly. If anything, he was irritated and confused that I called him about it. I left the conversation with the impression that he was seeing other people and rather expected I was as well.
So I slept with the friend. And then later found out that my SO considered me his ‘monogamous primary partner,’ which makes me a cheater.
I felt shitty about it for a long time, but in the end, I learned from the experience and Paul was a shite anyway.”
