Sometimes I think about what could I have done wrong to deserve a punishment like this. Whenever I love someone, it always seems like a one-sided love affair. Always the temporary person to someone I hoped to be permanent in my life.
Then you came, without a warning sign, just like the other guys—all smiles and brown eyes. I swear I’ve done everything to stop myself from falling into another trap. But I guess you were an expert in masks and disguise.
You told me that you loved me, more than anything and anyone else. You made me believe that I can rest my heart and worries with you. You made me believe in all your flowery words that I forgot why I am cautious about guys like you in the first place.
You made me believe you were different, only to realize you’re the biggest jerk I’ve met.
How can you sleep soundly knowing I’m crying myself to sleep each night?
How can you forget just like that a significant someone whom you once claimed you love?
…or maybe, I wasn’t significant at all.
For quite too long, I became a fool. I loved like there’s no tomorrow. I loved so much to the point that I forgot to love myself as well. I loved with no regrets. I loved the way I wanted to be loved. Only to be left empty in the end by the person who was never mine in the first place.
And when you came, I thought—I was hoping—that you were actually different.
But you didn’t love me, and I realized it too late.
You don’t love someone you break. You don’t love someone you can leave that easy. You don’t love someone you can leave and expect them to endure the pain that entails it. You didn’t love me because if you do, you won’t waste the love I have for you.
Darling, you wasted it.
You wasted the chance to be loved unconditionally by someone like me. You wasted the happy memories we had together, letting them all go down the drain.
It hurts, of course, I may be numb from all this pain but I know it hurts. That heart wrenching and unimaginable pain that I hope no one will ever go through again.
You asked for my forgiveness, but I won’t give it for you.
Instead, I will forgive myself for falling too deeply for someone like you.
I will forgive myself for every part of the past with you that I’ll never get back.
I will forgive myself for each moment I check my phone wishing to receive a message from you that will never come.
I will forgive myself and move on from all the dreams I built that includes you. The morning strides, the sleepy cuddles, the warm afternoon spent at the porch or the warm coffees on a rainy night.
I will forgive myself for forgiving you because I know eventually you’ll still have a piece of my heart.
I will forgive myself for hoping that one day you’ll see me in another’s eyes, hear me in someone else’s voice, and feel me from another’s touch. You will search me piece by piece in every girl you meet and it won’t be easy.
Trust me, I know the feeling.
I will forgive myself because in the end, it’s all that I can do.
I still miss you, I really do. But I’ll leave it that way.
And lastly, thank you for being another lesson in my life. You taught me that no matter how many trials you face, there’s still so much you’ll have to learn.
And walking away from whatever is making me feel any less than what I’m worth is one.