He dropped out of my life for weeks at a time. He sent me one or two word texts. He kept promising to see me and then never made any actual plans to meet up.
He posted pictures with other girls. He flirted with them in front of me. He only paid attention to me when it was convenient for him and ignored me the rest of the time.
He made it obvious he was only leading me on, but I kept letting him do it. I let him pummel my heart because I thought there was a chance of changing his mind.
I thought that if I complimented him enough, if I texted him enough, if I inserted myself into his life enough, then he would decide he liked me back.
It never worked.
For such a long time, I let him treat me like garbage. I let him cancel plans. I let him speak down to me. I let him talk about all the other girls he wanted to sleep with. I let him disappoint me in every possible way.
He posted on social media while I was still waiting for his reply to my texts, but I still gushed to my friends about how good of a guy he was. He never apologized when he messed with my emotions, but I let him get away with whatever he had done wrong, because I figured yelling would only push him further away.
I was excited whenever he did something semi-sweet, like send me a paragraph long text or like one of my Instagram photos. Those small things felt like big things at the time. I never realized how little I was expecting from him.
I wasn’t even his backup plan. I was lower than that. I was nothing to him.
I was just some acquaintance with an obvious crush. An acquaintance he would talk to from time to time, because I made him feel better about himself. I raised his confidence when he was upset about the girl he actually wanted to date.
I should have realized the only time we spoke was when I initiated conversations. The only times when he flirted back with me was when he was drunk and lonely.
He gave me a million reasons to walk away, but I kept chasing after him. I was stupid enough to think if I wanted him badly enough, he would change his mind about me. I thought I could convince him to develop feelings for me. I thought we would make a good couple.
Even though I am completely heartbroken, I’m glad we never ended up together, because he never treated me right.
He was the reason I looked in the mirror and felt ugly. He was the reason I stared at my phone screen and felt unwanted. He was the reason I spent so much time assuming I wasn’t good enough for him, when really, he was never good enough for me.