You can’t get annoyed when I ask you what time you are going to get home from work or which friends you are planning to meet up with later. You can’t act like I am being crazy when I become suspicious of how much you have been texting a female friend late at night or when you act a little extra flirtatious with our waitress.
You aren’t allowed to tell me I am overreacting when my paranoia is your fault in the first place.
You are the reason why I have trust issues. You are the reason why I feel like I am never good enough. You are the reason why I watch your reaction whenever a pretty girl walks into the room.
If there was complete trust between us, then I would never dream of texting you every hour to check up on you or asking to look through the messages on your phone. I would never even consider invading your privacy in such a way. But you ruined the picture perfect relationship we could have had. You proved you don’t deserve the privilege of freedom. You proved you cannot be trusted.
When you come home late from work, I wonder whether you are stuck in traffic or whether you are grabbing a drink at the bar with some woman you’ve never mentioned before. When you turn down sex because you’re ‘tired’, I wonder whether you are secretly getting it from somewhere else. When you surprise me with flowers for seemingly no reason, I wonder whether you are doing it out of guilt over what you have done.
I don’t enjoy thinking this way. I wish I could change my thought process. I would give anything to feel like I could trust you. I want to feel confident that you only want me and that would never change. But you made an unforgivable mistake and I can’t just forget that. I can’t just get over that. I’m never going to get over that. Not until you give me a reason to think differently.
Either our relationship is going to come to an end or you are going to deal with the extra questions. You are going to reassure me that everything is fine between us when my anxiety acts up again. You are going to try your hardest to make me feel safe and secure without complaint because you brought this on yourself.
If you didn’t want to deal with my mistrust, then you shouldn’t have betrayed me. You shouldn’t have given me a reason to worry about whether you would stay loyal. You shouldn’t have screwed me over.
You’re lucky I’m even giving you another chance, because a part of me is tempted to walk away. To find someone who would never hurt me the way you already have.
If I’m being completely honest, I’m going to do exactly that unless you prove you have the desire to change. Unless you prove you are serious about setting things right between us. Unless you make an effort to fix what you broke.