Now that you’re gone, I keep replaying old moments inside my mind. When you would compliment my hair. Tell me you missed me. Text me from morning until night. Make me feel beautiful, wanted, valued.
You acted like you were crazy about me. You made it seem like you were taking steps toward asking me to be your official girlfriend — and I could not wait.
I assumed you wanted the same thing as me. A committed relationship.
But now that everything is over between us, now that I know you were never interested in dating me, I feel like I have to rewind time to check whether I missed any warning signs. When I thought you were flirting with me, were you only being friendly? When I thought you were falling for me, were you actually playing a part? Was I lying to myself? Was I only fooling myself?
I cannot tell whether you were using me the whole time or whether I actually meant something to you at some point. I cannot tell whether I was only seeing what I wanted to see or whether there actually was a strong connection between us that you are now denying.
At the time, everything seemed so real. It seemed like you were falling in love with me. It seemed like you cared about me as much as I cared about you. I could have sworn that you felt the same way as I did.
But now, after you have broken my heart and left me alone again, I’m not sure what to believe. Maybe I wasn’t as important to you as I thought. Maybe I had you all wrong. Maybe you never wanted me after all.
I would love to say at least it was fun while it lasted, but now even our memories are tainted. I can’t think of the nights we spent together without wondering whether I am remembering it wrong. Were you actually bored the entire time? Were you searching for excuses to leave? Was I that blinded by my emotions that I never noticed how much you disliked me?
I am dying to know whether the moments between us meant as much to you as they meant to me or whether you were only pretending to care the entire time. Were you lying when you said you missed me? Were you just being nice when you complimented me? Did you lead me on purposefully? Did you know what you were doing?
I hate how many questions are stuck rattling through my head. I hate how difficult it has been to find closure.
I am going to get over you. I am going to be okay without you. Losing you isn’t the part that bothers me the most. It’s not knowing whether what we had — what I thought we had — was real or only a figment of my imagination.
I don’t wish I had you back. I just wish I knew whether I actually meant something to you.