I am slowly learning that even if I learn how to take care of myself, even if I act strong and independent, I will always suffer from a certain amount of powerlessness. I cannot control everything. There are times when I have to rely on outside forces and those forces can easily screw me over.
I am slowly learning that, sometimes, the worst things happen to the best people. The people who have worked their asses off to get where they are today. The people who would never hurt another living soul. The people who deserve more than the bullshit hand they have been dealt.
I am slowly learning that it takes years to build a strong relationship or a successful career or a loving household, but all of that can be torn apart in a matter of seconds. It takes much more energy to create than to destroy. And it takes even more energy than that to recover from the destruction.
I am slowly learning that no matter how much I trust someone, no matter how many times they promise they will be there for me, they will still end up disappointing me from time to time. They are only human. They will make mistakes. They will hurt me without meaning to do it. They will let me down with completely different intentions.
I am slowly learning that, even when I feel comfortable in my situation, there is always a chance something horrible is lurking around the corner. I should never take my good days for granted because they could be coming to an end soon. I need to learn to appreciate today in case tomorrow my world does a 180.
I am slowly learning that disappointments are an unavoidable part of life. I cannot close off my heart to avoid heartbreak. I cannot ignore my dreams to avoid failure. I cannot stay home to avoid defeat. I cannot outrun pain. Pain is a part of life. Pain is a part of every person on this planet.
I am slowly learning that everything good comes with a risk. A risk of it ending. A risk of it not working the way I originally planned. Every time I make plans with friends, there is a chance they will cancel and disappoint me. Every time I fall in love, there is a chance they will cheat and disappoint me. Every time I land a new job, there is a chance they will fire me and disappoint me.
I am slowly learning that I am allowed to have high expectations. I should not let past disappointments stop me from looking forward to the future. It is okay to get excited about a first date or a party or an interview. Maybe it won’t work out the way I imagined in my head, but that shouldn’t dampen my excitement.
I am slowly learning to stop being so afraid of disappointment, because there is no way to avoid it. All I can do is try my hardest and hope the world repays my efforts.