I’m (Not) Sorry About Putting Myself First For A Change

A girl who is putting herself first for a change
Unsplash / Nathaniel Antonio Avila

I’m sorry that I’m choosing myself for a change, because I know you’re not used to it. You’re used to getting your way. You’re used to having me blindly believe your apologies and giving you countless chances. You’re used to having me around all the time, ready to jump at the opportunity to impress you. You’re used to being spoiled by my soft heart. You’re used to being the one who cares less and gets more.

I’m sorry that I stopped letting you get away with your bullshit. I’m sorry I stopped being so gullible. So naive. So forgiving. I’m sorry I stopped blaming myself for the way you have been treating me and started holding you responsible for your own actions. I’m sorry I learned to speak my mind and stand up for myself when you expected me to continue acting like a doormat.

I’m sorry for cutting you out of my life for the sake of my own mental health. I’m sorry for choosing the selfish option instead of continuing to sacrifice my happiness to please you. I’m sorry that I’m no longer going to be around for you to use as your emotional punching bag. I’m sorry you’re either going to have to find a new victim to take your self-hatred out on or finally learn how to deal with your baggage.

I’m sorry you aren’t going to be able to take advantage of my kindness anymore. I’m sorry you aren’t going to have me around to give you an ego boost anymore. I won’t be there to answer your texts at midnight when you’re lonely and need someone to make you feel like you matter. I won’t be there when you had a rough day at work and want to forget about your problems. I won’t be there when you’re actually in the mood to act like I exist.

Most of all, I’m sorry you’re not going to get anymore texts from my number. I’m sorry you’re not going to see my posts on your social media anymore. I’m sorry I’m going to erase you from every aspect of my life, because it won’t be long until you realize how shitty your world is without me. You are going to miss me more than I’ll ever miss you, because I gave you everything and you gave me nothing. Without you, I’ll be happier. Without me, you’ll be miserable.

I’m sorry that I’m leaving you behind after all of this time we have spent together — because I should have done it earlier. I should have realized my worth sooner. I should have known you were only giving me a quarter of what I deserved.

I should have given myself the love I was bleeding into you. I should have realized I matter more than you convinced me I mattered. I should have realized you were bringing me down instead of lifting me up. I should have realized my standards needed to be raised. TC mark

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