Sex To Him Meant Power, And That Terrified Me
His kisses are electric. He smells amazing. His lips are soft and wet. He kisses my neck, my shoulders, and my chest. My arms are around his neck, pulling him closer. His hands are moving up and down my body and I feel like I am on fire. He picks me up and carries me over to his bed. He stares into my eyes, leans in and our noses almost touch.
Then he opens his mouth and says “You are going to get it so hard tonight.” And suddenly I snap out of it. I’m no longer on this floating cloud I had been on for most of the night. I come back down to reality and just look at him. I cannot believe he just said that. Next thing I know, I’m laughing. I’m laughing at myself and this situation and the fact that I suddenly realized exactly what was happening. I was too caught up in the moment to realize where he thought we were going. He thinks we are going to have sex.
No, he thinks he is going to fuck me. The way he’s looking at me makes me feel like an object. But then again, so was I. I wasn’t thinking of him like another human, another person. I just wanted to keep fueling this fire that was inside me, without even thinking of the consequences. And the fact that I wasn’t even thinking about it, the fact that I almost let my hormones determine what happened to tonight is terrifying. But the fact that I snapped out of it is a relief. Also, he seems to think that what he said was very sexy. And that is what I find hilarious.
So through my laughing I told him, “that’s not going to happen tonight.” I almost apologized, but I stopped myself. He rolled his eyes. “Are you still waiting to be in love with the person you have sex with?” Then he got this ridiculously condescending smile on his face and said, “Don’t tell me you’re one of those girls who believes in waiting till marriage or whatever?”
That’s when I got mad. And he could see it in my face.
He quickly tried to back pedal and said “which is, um, yeah I totally respect that if you do. I just thought you really wanted it tonight. And trust me; I would totally rock your world if we did.” As he said this he tried to kiss my neck and move past this awkward moment. He just wanted to distract me and keep trying to get what he wanted. But here’s the thing: When he said that, I immediately wanted to snap “well what if it is? So what if I want to wait?? It’s my body! If I don’t want to have sex with you then I’m not going to have sex with you!” And while all of this was true, my mind was also really truly thinking about sex for the first time, and what it really meant.
I was taught that sex is supposed to be a way to really connect with someone and show your love for each other. It’s the deepest form of intimacy, passion and trust. That’s the ideal meaning of sex. But I realized that it’s not actually about that to a lot of people, especially this boy. In this moment sex was not about making a connection with someone. It wasn’t about trying to quench our raging hormones. Sex is about power. It’s about power over another person. This guy had power over me. He could make me feel whatever he wanted. He thought that he held all the power and get what he wanted. He was turned on by the fact that he could make me want him, and he thought he had the power to do whatever he wanted to me. And that terrified me.
I knew that if I was going to have sex, it would change me forever. It would really mess with me if I let someone have that power over me. If I let someone treat me like an object, something to submit to his will, it would destroy me. This person knew nothing about me and I didn’t want him to. I’m a very complicated person. I look at the world SO differently. I have yet to find anyone who understands me. I think before I could ever have sex with someone, they would need to understand me. They would need to know me.
Why on earth would I let someone get close enough to understand me? I know that if I let someone understand me, it’s another form of them having power over me. And while I know it would be really nice to have someone special in my life, I can’t let it happen. At least right now I can’t. I want my thoughts and dreams and fears to stay my own. I don’t want to let anyone in. I like being the only person who understands me. I want to learn more about myself before I let anyone else learn about me.
Obviously I did not explain this all to this drunk asshole. Instead I got dressed and went home, feeling free. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy. I loved having that fiery passionate feeling, and I am completely guilty of loving that he found me attractive and wanted me. But I knew that if I would have stayed, I would have regretted it for the rest of my life. He will never care about me. He’s just doing what he thinks he’s supposed to do, which is fuck as many girls as possible. Maybe one day he’ll stop feeling so entitled and decide to try to make a connection with someone else. Maybe he’ll stop being selfish.
But it wasn’t about him. It was the fact that being in this situation really opened up my eyes. At this moment of my life, I do not want to have sex. I do not trust anyone to let them get that close and see me at the most vulnerable I will ever be. They won’t care. They will not understand.
I totally understand why everyone in college runs around and hooks up with anyone they can get their hands on. Hormones are a VERY powerful thing. Our lives basically revolve around sex. But at this point in my life, all I can see sex as is a form of power. And like hell will I let anyone have power over me.