March 30, 2015

An Open Letter To Every Boy Who “Doesn’t Want A Relationship Right Now”

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… From your 20-something ex-whateveryoucallme

I hear you, dude. I hear you with flying colors. Some girls can be clingy. You like your space, and you care about your career and your gym time. After all, who needs romance when your bromance is at an all time high?

You’re trying to decipher what to do with your life and that’s fine. Being selfish and single at a young age is vital, and many women crave exactly the same freedom. The thing is, you’re going to meet a lot of great people along the way – people who are also happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time (cue the Taylor Swift song – but really). Sharing this stage of your life with someone special can be equally as beneficial, and I’ve found that most guys want exactly that. They genuinely enjoy talking to someone on a daily basis and getting to know another person. They like the comfort of having a cool girl to hang out with, not to mention hook up with regularly.

It is for this reason that I feel compelled to share my experiences, and notably the experiences of many other women. This letter goes out to every guy who has ever avoided a relationship for whatever reasons they want to tell themselves.

The scenario goes as follows: After a few months of casually seeing each other, the girl wants more for obvious reasons. Most likely, because she’s a human being and doing relationship-like things with her will make her want to be in an actual relationship at some point.

The boy will then respond like so: “I’m just going with the flow. I’m not good with the whole commitment thing and I don’t really want a relationship right now. I’m just looking to hang out (*cough* hook-up), talk, and enjoy each other’s company.”

Newsflash to all boys – I say boys throughout this article because they’re not men – this is called dating. You do want a relationship. Why? Because you want the perks of a relationship – texting all the time, sharing details about the stresses of your day, relaxing together, having sex, going out to grab food and drinks, I could go on. You just don’t want that damn title.

Ever since high school I’ve tried to figure out this bizarre phenomenon. Being in a relationship used to be the cool thing to do – of course you have a date for prom, it’s your wonderful girlfriend of eight months! Then comes college, and dating quickly became something that “held you back” from the parties and the fun. After graduation, the game changed but the players stayed the same. Now, you actually have to put effort into getting to know another person. Ironically, most boys put in an initial effort just to tell the girl in the end that they “don’t want a relationship right now.”

Even more ironic, when a guy finds a woman who is down with the casual hook-up arrangement, he thinks he’s scored it big. In most cases, it’s because the woman in the scenario doesn’t give two flying fucks about you – that’s why she’s so detached. Many women play this game. I know I have, and so have an abundance of my friends. Sadly, the moment a woman realizes she may have real feelings for the guy, she finds herself nervous.

Nervous, because of every boy in woman’s past who is just going with the flow, doesn’t want a relationship right now, and is really just looking to hang out, talk, and enjoy each other’s company. In other words, this boy is saying ,“I like doing relationship things with you, but I don’t want to find out if this could be an actual successful relationship.”

These boys are scared. They’re scared of what a possible relationship might change and they’re naïve to think that they couldn’t be happier than they are right now. In all honesty, I’d like to know when caring about another person became such a negative thing. If you’re genuinely interested in someone, why would you skip the chance to pursue that happiness to its fullest potential? If it was a sport you loved to play, you’d practice your heart out and try to win the championship. You’d be committed to the game. In fact, you probably already know that in order to appreciate anything fully in life, you have to be committed. This includes relationships.

Unfortunately, somewhere along the way dating got a bad rep. A negative stigma was created and everyone hopped on the bandwagon. After a while, dating also became so lost in translation that boys now have an illogical belief as to what it actually entails.

In reality, dating someone has more perks than being single. If it’s a steady hook-up boys want, they should probably realize that men in relationships not only have more sex, they have better sex. Feelings not only create someone who cares about you, but someone who cares about pleasuring you. I know so many women who have never done XYZ in the bedroom, but would give it a try with someone who was committed to them. What’s more, dating offers continual support. If you have a bad day or if you’re working toward a goal, being in a relationship means there’s someone in your life who’s there to celebrate when something amazing happens or care for you if you’re not feeling so hot.

Dating doesn’t mean you can’t hang out with your friends, go to the gym, or play basketball with the boys every Wednesday. And it definitely doesn’t mean you two will be joined at the hip or forced to report your every move. Women equally value their own space, hobbies, and girls nights – this street goes both ways. A real relationship is one where two people have separate lives and share them the same way they do with their family and best friends.

The worst part about this conundrum is the notion that so many boys view a relationship as being tied down or settling down. First of all, if you don’t really care for the girl, by no means is anyone trying to convince you to date her. For the sanity of everyone involved, actually, do not date that person. I personally don’t associate dating someone with settling down, mostly because it’s not. All because someone wants to date you does NOT mean they want to get married and have children a year later. In fact, most individuals would prefer to be 100 percent single unless someone comes along who challenges this belief. The point is, though, to be open to that challenge.

Don’t chase someone just to let them go. Don’t talk to someone everyday if you don’t want an emotional connection. Don’t do relationship-like things with a person if you don’t want a relationship. Don’t hold back your feelings. It’s not often you find someone that you actually connect with – so take a chance when that happens. If someone strikes my fancy, I’m not going to stand in denial because of my “young” age or opinions of my friends. I’m going to act like an adult and pursue that feeling because I pursue things that make me happy.

One of my favorite quotes simply states: “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.” In the end, a great relationship it will enhance your life. If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out – but you’ll never experience the true thrill and joy of love – finding that perfect person – if you don’t try in the first place. TC mark

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