Its noon on a Saturday, you are stumbling along in a pair of sky high electric blue heels and a clingy metallic dress. Even though you managed to scrub most of last night’s glitter off your face you are fooling nobody; stride of pride, walk of shame, call it what you want to call it, but you definitely did not wake up in your own bed today. Now you are forced to shuffle home in broad daylight for everyone to witness the evidence of your exploits with nothing but your own thoughts for company. Yikes.
Paranoia, depression, and anger are all things you will go through as you make your way back to the safety of your own house. Are those people looking at me? Is that child judging me? Did that dog just avoid my attempt at affection? Yes to all of the above. Are you about to make this long, painful journey and need to know what to expect? I encourage you to keeping reading so you can be fully prepared for the 5 emotional stages of a walk of shame.
Maybe no one can tell that I’m making a walk of shame. I mean, it’s totally plausible that I woke up this morning and felt fierce and threw on my best pair of f*ck me heels right? People where heels out in public all the time. Like last week I saw that girl wearing high heels in the mall and even though she looked ridiculous people clearly do it. Right?
Is that elderly couple staring at me? Maybe I’m just bad at make-up and it looks like I tried too hard. I could be going through a 2011 Snooki phase. That is believable. Just because my hair looks like a nest and I loosely resemble a rag that went through the wash cycle one too many times doesn’t mean everyone can tell I spent the night at that bartenders place. Oh god, do I smell ? Can people smell it on me? I need to walk faster…
You know what? WHO CARES! Who is anyone else to judge me? Slut shaming is wrong people! This is my body and I can do with it what I feel. My decisions last night made me feel empowered ok? When was the last time you felt like Shania Twain singing “Man, I Feel Like a Woman?” Well that’s how I feel now judgey Judy!
People can’t tell me how to live my life. HEY STOP STARING AT ME A-HOLE! I am a strong independent woman, who is just doing what any man can do. If men can sleep around and do the walk of shame then so can I. This is because I’m a girl isn’t it? If I was guy nobody would be staring at me like this. I’m going to punch the next person to give me the side eye. Maybe not this guy though, he looks like he eats small children form breakfast.
If only I didn’t get that 5th drink last night, I’d have enough money for a cab today. How could I be so stupid?! Why did I think that Vodka Soda number four was a good idea? If only I would have asked bartender boy for some cab fare. I mean honestly it’s the least he could do after I let him do that thing with the ice.
Dear, God if you can maybe make me invisible for the next ten to fifteen minutes I promise to call my grandmother more, and I’ll go to church more, and I promise to stop stealing my roommate’s clothes. You know what, scratch that I’ll just suffer in silence.
I always make really bad decisions. Why do I always do these kinds of things? I should have known this would happen to me. My life sucks. I always get the short end of the stick. Why couldn’t we go back to my place last night? If we went to my place then he would be the one shuffling along Boston’s busiest street in broad daylight sporting massive dark circles and last night’s outfit instead of me.
Is this why I’m still single? Am I just completely unlovable because everything I try to do just blows up in my face? I should call my mom, I bet she still thinks I’m great… but only because she can’t see me now. I should have more respect for myself. I should have made him walk me home. I should just curl up in a ball and die, right here right now. Feet hurt, so much.
Thank goodness, I see my apartment in the distance. Home stretch- here we go. You know what, this wasn’t horrible. I mean people are going to judge you no matter what right? I am a young, intelligent, beautiful, 20 something and I need to only live for myself right now. So judge away grandmas it’s cool. I regret nothing. Actually, I regret not taking my shoes off sooner. Hello world, this is me, walking barefoot through the streets of Boston. Love it or leave it.