Due to recent situations my heart has been finding itself in, my friends and I have deduced that I’m the type who “is only in it for the thrill of the chase,” “prefers the current over the calm” and “always wants the forbidden fruit.”
It’s not an easy place to be in because I’ve made decisions that are cruel to good people, ones that are downright wrong and ones that have made me feel very lonely.
Once before, I picked the guy who was already in a relationship but was keeping me hanging. He said that he just can’t leave the girlfriend yet “out of courtesy.” He has used every line in the book. “I really, really like you,” to “You’re the most interesting girl I’ve ever met,” to “It’s different, you and I,” to “We’re going to make this work,” to “One day, we’ll be together for real.” Everything sounded like bull, but I fell for each one.
I chose that over a guy who pulls my chair and opens the door for me, who walks me to class, who texts me good mornings and good nights and take care todays even on days that I completely ignore him, who’s proud to hold my hand in front of his friends, who chooses to sit next to me even when I’m just studying or reading a book, who visits me even if I only have a few minutes to spare, etc.
It felt like a curse to not be satisfied with what’s good, and with what was, incidentally, already right in front of me.
It wasn’t until I started hanging out with some seemingly great guy that I got my wake up call. This one’s a keeper, I thought. We hung out a lot and had amazing conversations. He was sweet, a complete gentleman and our intellectual chemistry was undeniable. Everything was going well until his friend cornered me to say that he was already married. With two kids.
Seemingly Great Guy found out that I found out and acted even worse.
The invitations to hang out came more often, the “I miss you”s were said more frequently and the sweetness was brought up another level.
“I really, really like you.”
You know the drill.
At that point, I realized that the reason there are assholes is because there are girls who allow guys to be assholes. I was okay with entertaining the type when I knew I shouldn’t be and I allowed things to happen even if I was aware that they were terribly wrong.
I didn’t realize sooner that being in love with the thrill of the chase meant demeaning my worth and depriving myself of happiness — the sweep-you-off-your-feet, butterflies-in-your-stomach kind.
I guess that I have to redefine my previous perception of happiness to one that treats me with the respect I so rightfully deserve. I no longer want to be anyone’s secret, the number two, the other girl. It’s time to stop being in love with what I couldn’t have and instead go for the gifts that have my name on them.
Note to self: the forbidden fruit punishes.