embarrassing moments

This is an excerpt from selected unpublished blog posts of a mexican panda express employee, published by Muumuu House in November, 2011.

volunteered for show and tell but realized too late i had forgotten whatever i was supposed to bring. found charms of faces from a broken bracelet in my backpack and passed them around, saying ‘these are tiny people, they are special.’ everyone seemed confused
(age 5)

had to be talked to for masturbating in public several times, parent-teacher conference once. seriously didn’t think anyone knew what i was doing
(age 6)

x: we need to talk
me: okay
x: it’s about your daydreaming
me: what daydreaming
x: you don’t pay attention in class
me: yes i do
x: what are you thinking about when you daydream?
me: i don’t know
(age 8)

masturbated under a thin blanket while watching ‘the beverly hillbillies’ movie with my babysitter. she said ‘if you don’t stop doing that i’m going to tell your parents’
(age 8)

in a car in florida with my dad, aunt, and grandmother. we had just been to a doctor who told my grandmother her cancer was incurable. my aunt was smoking out the window and it was blowing into my face in the backseat. i was reading a mad lib containing the phrase ‘he reached for his banana but instead pulled out a long, purple hair’ and trying to suppress uncontrollable laughter. i tried to make it sound like i was crying, but knew it wasn’t working. my grandmother was sitting next to me
(age 11)

had to recite a poem i wrote in front of 8th grade english class. poem mentioned yanni, i forget the context. everyone’s faces were blank and someone said ‘yanni…?’ and people laughed
(age 12)

x: why do you wear the same pants every day?
me: i don’t wear the same pants every day
x: yes you do, does your mom wash them?
me: i don’t know, yes
(age 12)

made out with TV while watching ‘con air’ (crush on nicolas cage, brief period, weird). forgot to windex. mom found it, made me clean it
(age 12)

any time we had to perform improvisation exercises in drama class
(ages 13-17)

me: tom cruise isn’t really a dad, he adopted
x: yeah, but they’re still his kids
me: no, they’re not really his kids, you know, he’s not their dad
x: why isn’t he their dad
me: because he just adopted them
x: i’m adopted
(age 16)

any memory of auditioning for acting school, maybe especially the audition where i got my period
(age 17)

freshman year of acting school, we were asked to perform the stories of our lives from birth to present in 30 seconds. the stories had to be punctuated by some ‘tragic, turning point moment.’ i think i stood in front of everyone and spun around a few times. people said it seemed forced, boring, and unmotivated
(age 18)

any time i don’t know the words to a song but try to sing along and someone is with me who knows all the words and looks at me disappointedly
(ages 18-23)

me: oh, like the barenaked ladies?
x: (smacks back of my head) what the f-ck, no, not like the barenaked ladies
(age 19)

drunk at a diner with a group of potential friends. smelled calamari, turned around in booth, vomited on floor
(age 19)

drunk facebook message to the first guy i had sex with. can’t rem- ember what it said, too traumatized to find out
(age 22)

vaguely suicidal telephone call to ex-boyfriend
(age 22)

uncontrollable public sobbing at an airport
(age 22)

uncontrollable public sobbing at a dance party, then in a large van
(age 22)

me: i feel sad, can we talk? i feel sad about relationships
x: what
me: do you want to just like, could you just hold me for a minute or something?
x: goodnight, boyle
me: what
x: goodnight
(age 22)

made out while dancing with two guys on a stage at a dance party, ridiculously drunk, didn’t realize people were watching, was asked to leave stage by the DJ. only remember this in fragments, based on what people tell me. embarrassing mostly because people whose opinions i care about told me this happened and seemed dis- approving. honestly doesn’t feel like this was ‘me’ who did this. since i don’t really remember the event, it seems even less like ‘me’
(age 22)

me: i tried cocaine
x: don’t tell me that, i don’t want to hear that you did that
(age 23)

email from my dad saying he’s read ‘everyone i’ve had sex with’
(age 23) TC mark

image – Shutterstock


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  • CUinNYC

    Made my Monday feel like Sunday….that’s my Funday

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      My I don’t have to Runday. 

  • http://iwanttheseshoes.blogspot.com Olivia Moore

    “email from my dad saying he’s read ‘everyone i’ve had sex with’”

    i’m embarassed for you

    • http://www.nicholeexplainsitall.com EarthToNichole

      God, that’s my worst fear about writing things for the internet. I censor myself in case my family ever has the random/inexplicable urge to visit blogs written for 20-somethings.

  • AAF


  • Sophia

    hahaha this was good. glad i’m not the only one these things happen to

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    yay this made me feel 

    • http://timlivingston123.wordpress.com/ tim livingston

      damn u must be sad and deep

  • http://twitter.com/iamsubmerged Jordana Bevan

    oh god so painful, reliving is awful. also oh my god, your dad? fuck your life miss, fuck your life

  • see emm

    improvisation exercises in high school drama class are the worst. i used to kind of just stand there being way too shy to say or do anything.

  • Catt

    This could have been better. Some of these weren’t really relatable, and the style was unnecessary. Punctuation exists for a reason. That being said, it was an okay topic and some of these were really funny (I winced at the last one, then laughed).

    • Anonymous

      People always say “relatable” but I have a hard time understanding why that constitutes good writing? Like, these are things that happened to her. Why do they have to be relatable?

      • Catt

        Because I have no interest in what she’s written unless I can relate. Like, if this were in story form, then even if it weren’t relatable I would enjoy it, because it would be fun to read. But this is just a list, so it doesn’t have the good writing to back it up.

      • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

        what is your goal in commenting that you have no interest in my writing and you can’t relate to it?

      • http://www.facebook.com/jessi.smith1 Jessi Smith

        I’m having a hard time relating to this comment.

      • Guest

        But don’t you think that it’s interesting trying to get yourself to understand  and hear about other people’s ideas/ experiences that you can’t immediately relate to. It’s interesting to get new experiences and different perspectives on life. Put yourself in a box and you’ll be boring for the rest of your life. 

  • http://unthoughtfulthoughts.wordpress.com/ Samurai

    You were one hornyass six year old

  • Anonymous

    “freshman year of acting school, we were asked to perform the stories of
    our lives from birth to present in 30 seconds. the stories had to be
    punctuated by some ‘tragic, turning point moment.’ i think i stood in
    front of everyone and spun around a few times. people said it seemed
    forced, boring, and unmotivated

    (age 18)”

    Had to do this exact exercise in a freshman year theater class. I acted like I was coming out of a vagina for the full 30 seconds and was asked to leave the stage.

    • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle


  • Maxine

    Perhaps you shouldn’t broadcast your lascivious tendencies to the internet then. I’d be ashamed if I were you.

    • Anonymous


    • http://www.facebook.com/richakashelkar Richa Kashelkar

      True. Writing the list of ‘Everyone I had sex with’ is inviting a LOT of embarrassing moments. It’s one thing to be honest about who you are, and totally another to just reveal all your encounters online :P

  • guest

    I am embarrassed for you. Lmfao. This was one of the funniest things I have ever read!

  • Thestatethatimin

    i like you megan boyle! your “guide to vague relationships” article changed my life! write more often! 

  • Sarah

    I used to masturbate in public when I was a kid too.

  • Jake

    are you single and ready to mingle megan boyle
    let me know
    the gmail i entered in the field  is not my actual gmail address

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001079660479 Bilqis Ibrahim

    haha aw poor girl that your dad read that article!

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    […] You will embarrass yourself. So you’ve got to think of a new line and fast. Suddenly it’s your turn. You […]

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/09/12-reasons-you-should-never-meet-your-hero/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] You will embarrass yourself. So you’ve got to think of a new line and fast. Suddenly it’s your turn. You […]

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