volunteered for show and tell but realized too late i had forgotten whatever i was supposed to bring. found charms of faces from a broken bracelet in my backpack and passed them around, saying ‘these are tiny people, they are special.’ everyone seemed confused
had to be talked to for masturbating in public several times, parent-teacher conference once. seriously didn’t think anyone knew what i was doing
x: we need to talk
x: it’s about your daydreaming
me: what daydreaming
x: you don’t pay attention in class
me: yes i do
x: what are you thinking about when you daydream?
me: i don’t know
masturbated under a thin blanket while watching ‘the beverly hillbillies’ movie with my babysitter. she said ‘if you don’t stop doing that i’m going to tell your parents’
in a car in florida with my dad, aunt, and grandmother. we had just been to a doctor who told my grandmother her cancer was incurable. my aunt was smoking out the window and it was blowing into my face in the backseat. i was reading a mad lib containing the phrase ‘he reached for his banana but instead pulled out a long, purple hair’ and trying to suppress uncontrollable laughter. i tried to make it sound like i was crying, but knew it wasn’t working. my grandmother was sitting next to me
had to recite a poem i wrote in front of 8th grade english class. poem mentioned yanni, i forget the context. everyone’s faces were blank and someone said ‘yanni…?’ and people laughed
x: why do you wear the same pants every day?
me: i don’t wear the same pants every day
x: yes you do, does your mom wash them?
me: i don’t know, yes
made out with TV while watching ‘con air’ (crush on nicolas cage, brief period, weird). forgot to windex. mom found it, made me clean it
any time we had to perform improvisation exercises in drama class
me: tom cruise isn’t really a dad, he adopted
x: yeah, but they’re still his kids
me: no, they’re not really his kids, you know, he’s not their dad
x: why isn’t he their dad
me: because he just adopted them
x: i’m adopted
any memory of auditioning for acting school, maybe especially the audition where i got my period
freshman year of acting school, we were asked to perform the stories of our lives from birth to present in 30 seconds. the stories had to be punctuated by some ‘tragic, turning point moment.’ i think i stood in front of everyone and spun around a few times. people said it seemed forced, boring, and unmotivated
any time i don’t know the words to a song but try to sing along and someone is with me who knows all the words and looks at me disappointedly
me: oh, like the barenaked ladies?
x: (smacks back of my head) what the f-ck, no, not like the barenaked ladies
drunk at a diner with a group of potential friends. smelled calamari, turned around in booth, vomited on floor
drunk facebook message to the first guy i had sex with. can’t rem- ember what it said, too traumatized to find out
vaguely suicidal telephone call to ex-boyfriend
uncontrollable public sobbing at an airport
uncontrollable public sobbing at a dance party, then in a large van
me: i feel sad, can we talk? i feel sad about relationships
me: do you want to just like, could you just hold me for a minute or something?
x: goodnight, boyle
made out while dancing with two guys on a stage at a dance party, ridiculously drunk, didn’t realize people were watching, was asked to leave stage by the DJ. only remember this in fragments, based on what people tell me. embarrassing mostly because people whose opinions i care about told me this happened and seemed dis- approving. honestly doesn’t feel like this was ‘me’ who did this. since i don’t really remember the event, it seems even less like ‘me’
me: i tried cocaine
x: don’t tell me that, i don’t want to hear that you did that
email from my dad saying he’s read ‘everyone i’ve had sex with’