“It feels…good,” my friend says, stirring her drink, “It feels too good. It’s like…I’m waiting for something bad to happen.”
I nod, run my finger around the rim of my glass. I know what she means—that feeling—the ‘too good to be true,’ the answered prayers, the finally finding something that feels right and being too afraid to accept that loveliness for what it is.
I know how she feels—waiting—for something terrible to happen, for that person to leave just like the rest, for the universe to fall into that pattern of what was instead of writing something new.
Why is it that we’re so afraid of something that feels good?
We spend so much time chasing things that feel beautiful, searching for something that is as close to perfection as possible. And yet, when we finally find it, we’re scared. We’re hesitant. We tell ourselves there’s a catch, or worse, that we’re not worthy of something that tastes this sweet.
I listen to her talk. About this amazing guy who cares so deeply for her. About how damn happy she is. About how good everything feels. And about how she’s constantly been on edge, wondering when he’ll hurt her like the last man did.
Her words make me think of my own life. How I seem to self-sabotage in the same ways, fearing the worst instead of enjoying what’s right in front of me. Overthinking instead of letting what is happen naturally, or what will be, be. Ruining what I have instead of celebrating every moment.
And why? So I can prove to the universe that I was right all along? So that I can wish negativity into happening? So that I can be unhappy, and unsatisfied, and ultimately alone?
I’m sick of living my life wondering when the next ball will drop, when the next disaster will hit, when the next promise will be broken. I’m sick of holding people I love to the expectations of the people who came before them. I’m sick of hoping for the best, but only believing the worst.
I’m sick of not enjoying what I’ve been blessed with because I’m so on edge about whether or not it will stay.
The truth is, none of us have control over what happens. We can’t will people into loving us. We can’t ensure that we’ll never get hurt. We can’t keep something bad from falling into our laps.
But we can celebrate the moment—the beauty, the wonder at bodies to kiss, hands to hold. We can enjoy what feels right, rather than push it away out of fear.
My friend doesn’t know what will happen. She doesn’t know if her relationship will bloom or wither, if they’ll fall deeper or fall apart. And I don’t either. But what I do know is that beautiful things happen in unexpected ways and in unexpected places. And if we’re too busy finding fault, or pushing everything away, or looking for what’s wrong rather than what’s right, we’ll never experience that beauty.
We’ll have something wonderful right under our nose and not know it.
And damn, wouldn’t that be a shame?
So if it feels right, enjoy it. If it’s good, let it be good. If it’s close to perfect, know that it won’t ever be completely flawless, but celebrate it for the amazing thing it is, right now, in your life.
Blessings do happen. And this, my dear, is one of them.