I am of the opinion that at some point in all of our lives, we will fall deeply in love with a person who is either terrible or just terrible for us. Approximately one year ago I was in exactly that situation and when that relationship ended, I fell into a deep depression. That’s the thing about abusive relationships; when they end, you don’t just lose the person you loved, but now you’re forced to come to terms with the realization that you don’t know who you are anymore, you start to hate yourself for loving someone who would treat you so poorly, and probably worst of all, you start to believe that the bastard was right about you all along.
You’re too loud, too opinionated, with the “wrong” opinions no less, you obsess over school too much, you aren’t soft and quiet like a “normal girl” should be. The list goes on. It feels like falling into an abyss you never wanted to be in, but that you willingly jumped into.
It is so easy to get lost in our own misery, especially after the dramatic exit of a toxic person who trapped you into loving them. You will get stuck in this permanent flashback stage where all you can remember is every laugh, every kiss, every happy moment you had with that toxic person replays on an endless loop, reminding you with every repetition that you are the problem, he is not. The pain of the loss is only sharpened by the feeling that you will never love again. No one can ever make you happy like you were. You will start to plan your life alone because you’re thoroughly convinced that you’re both unlovable and incapable of loving someone else so intensely.
Well, I’m here to tell you that’s a big load of bullshit.
They always say hindsight is 20/20 and when you look back on the relationship you once labeled as “the one” you’ll see that it wasn’t love. It was co-dependence coupled with infatuation. The knock-down drag-out fights weren’t normal, he didn’t just “have a bad day,” the accusations of cheating weren’t a function of your behavior, and you didn’t deserve the way he treated you.
Time will pass and right when you think you’re destined to be alone forever (& probably contemplating the adoption of your fourth cat), you will meet him. He will bring your vision so brilliantly into focus. Suddenly, you’ll start asking yourself how you couldn’t see it then, how could you be so blind as to think you were the problem?
The person who brings this clarity into your life is the person who is so worthy of your love. It will feel like having blurry vision and putting on glasses for the first time, like the first breath of air your lungs take in after a deep dive in the ocean, like being color blind and seeing an orchid for the first time. This person will bring you back to life. Unknowingly, they will remind you that you are so easy to love and even more so, deserving of it. They will embrace your flaws and push you to be the best version of yourself. They will love that you try so hard in school, they will want to listen to all your opinions, they will embrace your weirdness and they will revel in the chance to be a part of you flourishing.
This is the person you keep. You won’t feel the euphoric highs of an emotional roller coaster with him because you won’t have to; because he would never make you second guess his presence in your life. This relationship is punctuated with a calm that permeates your entire life. Traffic doesn’t matter anymore, the grass is so much greener and the impossibly long line at Dunkin is just an opportunity to be present. He will be the type of man who impresses you with his patience, his will to understand, and his desire to hold your hand through it all.
There won’t be any guessing, you won’t have to walk on eggshells and as you feel yourself falling in love with him, it is important to let yourself. You deserve this, you are so worthy and if it hasn’t happened yet, I promise you, it will. You will love again, and when you find your clarity, he will make all the hurt you experienced prior to him a complete blur.