How The Kim Kardashian: Hollywood Game Sucked Out My Soul, Dementor Style

“I have to tell you something,” said my friend Teal, over avocado toast.

“I may have downloaded the Kim Kardashian iPhone game and now I’m obsessed. It’s so stupid.”

I leaned over as she showed me her phone, illuminated with a GIANT cartoonified version of Kim Kardashian.

“It’s so stupid,” she repeated, as I took out my phone and started downloading the game myself.

“But I’m addicted.”

Cut four weeks later. My real-life sleep schedule now coordinates with my fictional photo shoots. Fictional guys who wear fedoras and shutter shades insult my carefully chosen outfits regularly. I somehow made it to the A-list with over 60 million fans in a few weeks based on my “raw talent,” though I’m not entirely sure my character didn’t manipulate her way to the top with a few favors…

iTunes / Kim Kardashian: Hollywood
iTunes / Kim Kardashian: Hollywood

No, I’m not so sure I want to “take a break” right there, thank you. Killer exclamation point arm tattoo though.

I’m a slave to this game and I can’t figure out why. I’ve seen Keeping Up With the Kardashians exactly once. I don’t have Hollywood modeling aspirations. I don’t even play iPhone games! Not even 2048. So why am I addicted to Kim Kardashian: Hollywood? Why is the world?

It’s funny, but Kim Kardashian seems to me to be more of a concept and an idea than an actual person. Even in the game, she is this weird elusive figure that I occasionally have to comfort when she loses gifts for her “momager.” Sometimes she tweets at me. It seems aggressive.

Here’s my theory: we love the game because it’s so drastically removed from our real lives, it’s absurd. Of course, that’s the intention with virtually every role-playing game– we immerse ourselves in a world radically different from our own, becoming characters completely separate and disparate from ourselves. However, in this misogynistic, hedonistic, bizarre world where it somehow only costs $15 to get from LAX to Paris, we don’t really do anything. It’s almost laughable to call it a role playing game. Literally we tap the screen enough times and eventually, fame comes to us. No, this isn’t a role-playing game– it’s an insight into Kim Kardashian’s life. She basically has created an empire from her laissez-faire approach on life. It’s kind of miraculous and also very sad. No wonder my character sucks up to her so much.

Today, almost a month after I’ve downloaded the game, my mom texts me. “I’ve been playing that stupid Kim K game but I keep running out of energy. How do I get more energy???”

I text her back: “You have to wait for it to recharge. Tap objects around town and energy comes out of them.”

She responds: “I tap everything but I never get any freakin energy. Ugh!”

Leave it to Kim Kardashian to unintentionally bridge the generational gap between millennials and their goal-oriented, hard-working parental figures.

This game not only is sucking up revenue, it is also sucking out our souls – Dementor style. So what do we do in the midst of this hype? Churchill would say keep calm and carry on. Dumbledore would say get a stronger Patronus. I say that I have a photoshoot to get back to, so I’m going to stop typing and start tapping. TC mark

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