I’m Cutting You Out Of My Life But That Doesn’t Mean The Damage Is Going To Go Away

damage
Unsplash / Seth Reese

I could scream curses at you. I could give you the middle finger. I could write you a long, elaborate text listing out all of the ways you have made me feel — but you still wouldn’t understand. Not really.

You are incapable of seeing situations from my point of view. You only care about yourself. I could fish my heart from my chest and rest it on the table in front of you, but you wouldn’t commend my courage. You wouldn’t even offer me a sorry. You would only give excuses. You would point out the inconsistencies in my stories, telling me which parts were slightly wrong, instead of focusing on the only thing that really matters. You hurt me. Badly. 

I have finally found the strength to cut you out of my world, but that is not going to solve all of my problems. Unfortunately, you have given me baggage I am unable to drop. My insecurities are not going to go away when you do. They are going to remain.

You destroyed my faith in others. Moving forward, I am going to find it hard to trust. I am going to resist committing. I am going to keep a wrap around my heart that will be nearly impossible to remove.

I wish I could say everything will be okay as soon as you are officially out of my life — but that is not the truth. You changed the way my mind works. I used to see the best in others. I believed in fairy tales. I was able to look on the bright side. But after dealing with your abuse, I jump to the worst case scenario. I wonder whether every other person in my life is going to turn out like you. Nice at first, but evil underneath.

I think that is the worst part of all this. No matter how far I run from you, I will never fully be able to escape you.

You gave me fears that never existed before. A fear of abandonment. A fear of attachment. A fear of allowing someone new into my life because there is a chance they could turn out just like you — and I never want to meet another you.

You can continue to act confused when I ignore your phone calls and block your social accounts. You can call me a bitch and complain about how ungrateful I am after everything you have done for me. I wish you realized how ridiculous your ignorance looks, but you live inside a fantasy world and I cannot picture you breaking out.

You will never understand how deeply you have hurt me. I could spend hours explaining the damage you have done, but you would never listen close enough. You would hear the words but they would never sink in. You would rather act like I am being unreasonable for leaving, like I am the bringer of pain.

You are oblivious to what you have put me through, but I am never going to forget it. TC mark

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